This is a tough day for me as a mother, wife, person. I am uncomfortable with any type of honoring etc...though I do like cards and thanks but would rather just keep it at that. I mean sure, it is great to be told not to do anything but how is it great if I feel bad and am getting behind if I don't do my normal chores? Today, I did some chores but I also went on a hike with a friend, spent time reading and on the phone with my step kids and oh, argued with my daughter. How's that for a mother's day. Wish that wouldn't happen. She forgot all about it and gave me a plant they made at Sunday school and Marty washed my car and made dinner and cleaned up. All appreciated for sure but I don't feel like a particularly good mother that is for sure. I mean I can't seem to mentor my daughter in things I want to mentor her in. I feel truly like I lose it when it comes to modeling what an adult should be like. I am probably exaggerating but I let things get to me and despite my faith in the Lord and my trust in Him, I tend to resort to the flesh when I react to hers or Marty's tension building behaviors. I get crabby, quiet and have low frustration and then add to the tension with my own behaviors. I guess I wished we were just closer, friendlier and less tense.
Since Marty has come back we have gotten along fine but the old stuff is all there. For both of us. We are both trying and I see it in him. I just am praying to get beyond my own judgmentalness. In fact I am working hard (hopefully in the strength of the Holy Spirit more than my own)to not complain, criticize, use sarcasm or be defensive. And this includes all those times I feel provoked. I have a long way to go on the part where you don't react to a person's statements, etc. I struggle with the tongue biting and ignoring because then I feel like I am allowing it by not letting him know it bothers me. For instance i have asked him not to say Jesus or Christ when he is angry or frustrated. But he thinks I am ridiculous for asking so he doesn't change. So rather than continue asking him I have shut up. But I don't think it's right. It is disrespectful to Him and to me. But what do I gain by always telling him? And on and on.
I don't want this blog to be a place to complain but sometimes it's what's on my mind. See I can't live up to the day it is. It was a hard day in some ways and I guess it's what's on my mind. And I am the only one who comes here so I can pretty much say what I want and can always erase it if I ever want to.
Thank you Lord for my marriage and daughter anyway, and help me to remove the log from my own eye. I love them and need both of them. I did miss Marty while he was gone and it was for more than what he does for me. I did miss him.
