It's not too often I get two days in a row where I can write in this journal. I am on the couch with Pandora playing my favorite music, food in the crock pot and a quiet home. Bliss. It doesn't take much to make me happy and this sure does. I love being home alone almost as much as I love anything. It is work to be around my family just as I assume it is for them to be around me too. It's just peaceful and I can't savor it enough.
Today I did not go to my bible study. I went to the grocery store instead and got things for a dusty crockpot I just got out. Dinner can be such a pain to me so I need to make it easier. But I digress. I skipped out on my bible study/Sunday school because I just needed to pray which I did before the groceries and afterwards. I went into the music room at church and looked up those verses in 1 Peter and 1 Corinthians that point to being with unbelieving husband and I really needed to focus on them. This is God's will for my life and so I wrote them down and will continue to read them and know them. And I prayed to walk the walk He wants me to in my life to better cope with my situation. I also just didn't want to go because it does get hard being with other women who have godly husbands and godly children. I know I am not supposed to compare myself but I really see how much I am a spiritual infant compared to them and I don't need to feel worse. They would be horrified if they knew what I had going on at my home.
But I also need to be careful not to make this issue an idol. I don't want to spend more time focused on my dilemmas and situation with Marty than it warrants. God comes first, not the problems I pray for. Anyway, walking my walk involves but is not limited to my reactions and responses to Marty when I am so provoked by his actions and statements to me. Jesus did not respond to people like that who said things to him that were outright hateful. I have to have supernatural, spirit filled veins of God's warmth to not respond to Marty in a sarcastic, demeaning or barely disguised disdaining way. I can't profess to love Christ and then be disgusted with my own husband. I must love him no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. It is an act of the will and I would like it be more of an act of the spirit so it is not of my flesh because as I said yesterday that is why I fail.
So I might have skipped Sunday School but I got a lot out of my alone time and may do it again. Any time I have to myself that is quiet is good for me--to pray, to think, to write or to read the Bible. Any time like that is really bliss.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
marital wilderness
I call my marriage a marital wilderness because it reminds me of what the Israelites experienced when they wandered for 40 years in what they thought was misery. I am miserable in my marriage and I see no way out except for supernatural means.
I don't want this blog to my gripe spot about my marriage and husband but I do have to express it somewhere. In addition to Marty's anxieties and overfunctioning, he is exceedingly self absorbed and narcissistic. Everything comes down to how it affects him or how things are about him or what things have to do with him. And he is a victim of things that have nothing to do with him. I never knew or realized this until the last couple years but only recently have I put it together. It is so real. His blog (which he promotes)always wanting to know what others say about him or see in him. Needing attention and compliments. Feeling overly threatened if I disagree with or challenge him in any way. And the bragging about how great he really is even though he is highly insecure. The need to be admired and flattered by others. His criticism of others and I mean extreme. I could give endless examples but I won't. I can't bear to really think of these things much. I am often sickened with the realization that he is like this. This extended trip he is taking here soon is all consuming. Nothing else exists or matters. The neglect he generally has for me is worse than ever. It also saddens me because he has no clue, none whatsoever. He certainly does the stuff he needs to do: chores, work, socializing with friends, etc but as far as interaction with me, hard faced, no humor, no compassion and no real concern or care beyond the fact that there would be consequences to him if he ignored me all the way. Once, not too long ago, I asked if he would be happier if we just got a divorce and he said, no it would be too embarrassing for him to go through another one. So we stay together for the image of it. We both know we have nothing loving anymore.
And so I pray but probably not incessantly enough. My marriage needs God like we need water. My marriage is is very bad and filled with so much pain--I can't leave him because it's not God's will. Yet it's not what I really want except for when things are at their worst. I daydream about escapes and solutions out. According to 1 Cor which is paraphrased:if an unbelieving husband is content to live with his believing wife she cannot leave him and in 1 Peter 3: "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior..obedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives..." I have tried in the flesh to be submissive which has its failures so I pray to be divinely or spiritually submissive to please God, to do His will for Him. Not for Marty's. Marty doesn't even notice. Often when I am submissive it's me being passive and not sharing my real thoughts or just caving in to what he wants. I don't even know for sure if that is what submissive is. Kind of but not.
My praying should never cease. I need so much help. I am not always respectful, I say many words out of frustration and I do not have a quiet and gentle spirit (another translation) to win my husband over. I have doubt I have ever impressed him with gentle behavior ever. I am not an "excellent wife" much of the time. Certainly I probably am at times if I were honest but not to where he would stop and say, wow, her faith is really powerful, I want some of that.
Lord, one thing I know for sure is that You are the only One that can help me. Nothing within my own strength will help me in this marriage. I have to believe though that You have me right where You want me and because You are sovereign, I need to trust and live day by day in Your light. Give me strength, God. As always, I love You.
I don't want this blog to my gripe spot about my marriage and husband but I do have to express it somewhere. In addition to Marty's anxieties and overfunctioning, he is exceedingly self absorbed and narcissistic. Everything comes down to how it affects him or how things are about him or what things have to do with him. And he is a victim of things that have nothing to do with him. I never knew or realized this until the last couple years but only recently have I put it together. It is so real. His blog (which he promotes)always wanting to know what others say about him or see in him. Needing attention and compliments. Feeling overly threatened if I disagree with or challenge him in any way. And the bragging about how great he really is even though he is highly insecure. The need to be admired and flattered by others. His criticism of others and I mean extreme. I could give endless examples but I won't. I can't bear to really think of these things much. I am often sickened with the realization that he is like this. This extended trip he is taking here soon is all consuming. Nothing else exists or matters. The neglect he generally has for me is worse than ever. It also saddens me because he has no clue, none whatsoever. He certainly does the stuff he needs to do: chores, work, socializing with friends, etc but as far as interaction with me, hard faced, no humor, no compassion and no real concern or care beyond the fact that there would be consequences to him if he ignored me all the way. Once, not too long ago, I asked if he would be happier if we just got a divorce and he said, no it would be too embarrassing for him to go through another one. So we stay together for the image of it. We both know we have nothing loving anymore.
And so I pray but probably not incessantly enough. My marriage needs God like we need water. My marriage is is very bad and filled with so much pain--I can't leave him because it's not God's will. Yet it's not what I really want except for when things are at their worst. I daydream about escapes and solutions out. According to 1 Cor which is paraphrased:if an unbelieving husband is content to live with his believing wife she cannot leave him and in 1 Peter 3: "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior..obedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives..." I have tried in the flesh to be submissive which has its failures so I pray to be divinely or spiritually submissive to please God, to do His will for Him. Not for Marty's. Marty doesn't even notice. Often when I am submissive it's me being passive and not sharing my real thoughts or just caving in to what he wants. I don't even know for sure if that is what submissive is. Kind of but not.
My praying should never cease. I need so much help. I am not always respectful, I say many words out of frustration and I do not have a quiet and gentle spirit (another translation) to win my husband over. I have doubt I have ever impressed him with gentle behavior ever. I am not an "excellent wife" much of the time. Certainly I probably am at times if I were honest but not to where he would stop and say, wow, her faith is really powerful, I want some of that.
Lord, one thing I know for sure is that You are the only One that can help me. Nothing within my own strength will help me in this marriage. I have to believe though that You have me right where You want me and because You are sovereign, I need to trust and live day by day in Your light. Give me strength, God. As always, I love You.
Monday, February 15, 2010
calling His name
I often need to read and hear stories about how prayer is answered. God answers prayer that is prayed in earnest. He answers prayer that is heartfelt and truly reaching out to Him; seeking Him and wanting Him to meet our need. The book I am reading now by Jim Cymbala about his church (His church)shares real stories about how prayer was answered in those situations. His church, for example, grew like a weed because they had a prayer meeting that was only a prayer meeting. And then there are examples of people you would never think could be anything different than what they were and they reached out to God and through their first prayer the spiritual dominoes began to fall. I knew this to be true and have known for years and years but I never stop getting so jazzed by reading it over and over. I love hearing how Christ works in our lives, meeting our need and wanting us to be completely dependent on Him for everything. It is story like these and I read a lot that I know I can rest in Him while I wait for my own prayers to be answered especially about my husband and my marriage. Lord, I pray that I stop interfering in Your plan for me and my marriage. My husband and my marriage are in Your hands and I want to leave both of them there where they will be safe forever.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
for His glory...
Truly my life is rather much the same week after week. Working on living in the Spirit which really is a misnomer since you can't work on it but what I mean is I want to rely less on the flesh to get through my days. So much I fight the temptation to blow up and I find that I have to pray to get through everything almost. Especially my marriage which continues to be the largest challenge of my life. I don't know how long I can hang on but hang on I must. I must keep telling God it is for His glory that I hang on and in telling Him I strengthen that thought. Loving my husband is for His glory. Not reacting is for His glory. Not being demanding, defensive, angry, frustrated is for His glory. Loving with compassion and patience is for His glory. And sometimes it makes me feel good too. I must live in the Spirit for His purposes and I must act for Him and His glory only. That is why I am on this earth. Not for me or my comfort. All I do is for His glory. My work, parenting, friendships, prayers, thoughts, actions and leisure. All for His glory. I pray to do things with this in mind and so it will come naturally and not with what I perceive to be human and fleshly effort. I pray for the Spirit to saturate me with His desire to do for His glory. Lord, I love You and want to glorify You in all I do. I am so imperfect and such a sinner in my day to day living. Please, Lord, answer my prayer to do Your will and live in Your Spirit and glorify YOU. Amen.
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