Thursday, December 31, 2009
goodbye year
Hard to believe it is about to be "twenty-ten" in less than 3 hours. What a year. So much and yet nothing much at all. Actually very typical in all respects. Always look forward to the next year and always hope I do better in all things. I can only pray that I become more spiritually mature and grow as a wife and mother as well as a worker and friend. Goodbye 2009 see you next year.
Monday, December 28, 2009
overcome
Twice on Sunday (yesterday) I was overcome with emotion and cried in public. Both times I had to confine it as much as possible so as to not be noticed but both times I just wanted to lie on the floor and bawl like a baby.
The first time was at 10:45 in the morning. My daughter and I were at church. Or rather I was at church, and she went to work in the nursery. We argued before church. She was rude to me. I was frustrated with the big kids and how they still sit back and wait to be waited on. How not one of them has offered to help much, they get up when they feel and they have no sense of trying to make us happy or adapt to our schedule in any way. (referring to gathering we hosted for them yet they did nothing to help us as we got the house ready, and put the food out and they didn't show their faces util 4 pm). Marty was not happy in the morning and made getting ready for church feel like a dark time. So at church after my daughter leaves me alone at a very vulnerable moment, I begin to cry. The music is playing and people are sitting down and I am hoping no one notices me with my tear stained face. The first song we sing after we stand God seems to be speaking very gently and sweetly to me. Poor little stupid me. The lyrics said to lean on Him, rely on Him and that He will always be there no matter what our trial is. I was in awe. Thank you God. I cried more. Then right at that moment, a young woman whom I have recently met and am mentoring comes and sits down next to me with her husband and infant. It really made me happy. God knew I cared for her and hadn't seen her and then there she was. She sat down and it really brought some peace to me. I prayed. Then I held the baby at the end and that is always so therapeutic!! God also put another person next to me. A woman I know who was very sad because it was her anniversary and her husband had left her after 31 years of marriage this year. That was God too, reminding me that I can be a baby or I can turn and comfort someone else which really is the only cure for self pity.
Lastly, I cried today when I took my daughters to see a "feel good" movie which was a true story about a rags to riches, poor kid turn to successful football player story. I cried during much of it and to tell you the truth the part that makes me really emotional but I hang on to the control is that a part of me so badly wants to do for someone what was done for that kid. But then I feel so trapped that I don't have that kind of spousal support. I envy couples who are on the same page and don't deal with the asinine issues that we do. The anxiety generated head exploding fighting and resentment that Marty and I have with each other. (His anxiety, my head exploding). But anyway, I was so glad to see someone else do it.
Nothing is too big for God. Nothing. My kids, my problems, my family's lack of salvation and lack of concern for Him and Who He is. And what He does. God is so awesome and they are so blind.
When I got home I began progressing with my plans to take both daughters shopping for a specific reason one of them needed to go and then we were off to a movie. The older girl, my step daughter, I am particulary often angry at was about to come upstairs and then I was filled with a genuine desire to hug and kiss her and tell her I love her. That was God. It sure wasn't me. It was Him. He is so grand. She said I love you too. Thanks, God.
The first time was at 10:45 in the morning. My daughter and I were at church. Or rather I was at church, and she went to work in the nursery. We argued before church. She was rude to me. I was frustrated with the big kids and how they still sit back and wait to be waited on. How not one of them has offered to help much, they get up when they feel and they have no sense of trying to make us happy or adapt to our schedule in any way. (referring to gathering we hosted for them yet they did nothing to help us as we got the house ready, and put the food out and they didn't show their faces util 4 pm). Marty was not happy in the morning and made getting ready for church feel like a dark time. So at church after my daughter leaves me alone at a very vulnerable moment, I begin to cry. The music is playing and people are sitting down and I am hoping no one notices me with my tear stained face. The first song we sing after we stand God seems to be speaking very gently and sweetly to me. Poor little stupid me. The lyrics said to lean on Him, rely on Him and that He will always be there no matter what our trial is. I was in awe. Thank you God. I cried more. Then right at that moment, a young woman whom I have recently met and am mentoring comes and sits down next to me with her husband and infant. It really made me happy. God knew I cared for her and hadn't seen her and then there she was. She sat down and it really brought some peace to me. I prayed. Then I held the baby at the end and that is always so therapeutic!! God also put another person next to me. A woman I know who was very sad because it was her anniversary and her husband had left her after 31 years of marriage this year. That was God too, reminding me that I can be a baby or I can turn and comfort someone else which really is the only cure for self pity.
Lastly, I cried today when I took my daughters to see a "feel good" movie which was a true story about a rags to riches, poor kid turn to successful football player story. I cried during much of it and to tell you the truth the part that makes me really emotional but I hang on to the control is that a part of me so badly wants to do for someone what was done for that kid. But then I feel so trapped that I don't have that kind of spousal support. I envy couples who are on the same page and don't deal with the asinine issues that we do. The anxiety generated head exploding fighting and resentment that Marty and I have with each other. (His anxiety, my head exploding). But anyway, I was so glad to see someone else do it.
Nothing is too big for God. Nothing. My kids, my problems, my family's lack of salvation and lack of concern for Him and Who He is. And what He does. God is so awesome and they are so blind.
When I got home I began progressing with my plans to take both daughters shopping for a specific reason one of them needed to go and then we were off to a movie. The older girl, my step daughter, I am particulary often angry at was about to come upstairs and then I was filled with a genuine desire to hug and kiss her and tell her I love her. That was God. It sure wasn't me. It was Him. He is so grand. She said I love you too. Thanks, God.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
lazy ways
One of my sins in life is that I do have a lazy nature. I am sitting here with a laptop while my family is playing a very confusing game and I don't like learning games (out of laziness?) so I choose to do the easy thing. I should be wrapping gifts, working on Christmas cards or any number of things and I am lazy. I hate cleaning, doing chores, etc. Don't like new duties at work either. But often once I do these things I am happy and can get into it. I just love relaxing and reading and looking things up and thinking about goals and what my ambitions are. I do believe I am a hard worker and expend a lot of energy in my marriage and raising kids so I am not saying I am a true slacker or even slothful. But it is nice at times. A year ago I worked from home which meant no need to dress, shower or drive to work. Loved it with all my heart.
Spiritually I am much like I am in the other parts of my life. I recognize this and am not blind to it. One of my prayers is that I dig further into my spiritual life with God and in so doing become more like Him (His Son). I really pray to be transformed and for the Spirit to lead my lazy self into a more spiritually inclined lifestyle. And as the song says that is on right now, (O Holy Night) "For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn. Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!"
and therein lies the rub. That is what needs to happen. Falling on my knees. More and often.
Spiritually I am much like I am in the other parts of my life. I recognize this and am not blind to it. One of my prayers is that I dig further into my spiritual life with God and in so doing become more like Him (His Son). I really pray to be transformed and for the Spirit to lead my lazy self into a more spiritually inclined lifestyle. And as the song says that is on right now, (O Holy Night) "For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn. Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!"
and therein lies the rub. That is what needs to happen. Falling on my knees. More and often.
Monday, December 21, 2009
not doing enough
I have this desire to do more for Christmas. More, meaning different. But I feel trapped in what I am supposed to do, what I feel like I have to do and what we have always done. And with work and other routine I don't feel like I can do more or different. It would take time away from home. So I often get that feeling that I am not free. I must do what others expect of me. What I want to do is go find a purpose or some meaning in some other activity. The cliche, doing something for others. I always seem to have good intentions but then don't do it. But I do the little stuff. I try to be generous and do favors for others. I just wish I could do bigger things but I know the little things count too.
I called this journal purposejournal because I am searching for what God has in mind for me. He is preparing me for something and I thrill at the thought of it. I always ask what is the purpose of this or that in the big, supernatural, God inspired sense. He is always in control and I feel so secure in that. Ha, thus I don't get all warped over politics and the like. And speaking of God I need to go read the bible. Weak area for me often in doing it. I love His Word but don't always read it. Off I go now to do that.
I called this journal purposejournal because I am searching for what God has in mind for me. He is preparing me for something and I thrill at the thought of it. I always ask what is the purpose of this or that in the big, supernatural, God inspired sense. He is always in control and I feel so secure in that. Ha, thus I don't get all warped over politics and the like. And speaking of God I need to go read the bible. Weak area for me often in doing it. I love His Word but don't always read it. Off I go now to do that.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
getting closer
Christmas is getting closer and I can feel that pressure and need to do certain things that we get caught up in. Everything in me is screaming not to do any of it. But with adult children coming home and one of them bringing someone we have to do all of it. And my younger child expects it. I am already on the bandwagon to go to Hawaii next year and skip all of it. We won't "owe" the big kids a Christmas at home now that they will both be out of college by next year. At least Marty agrees with me on not wanting to do it "all".
And speaking of Marty, God has answered another prayer. He has placed a nice quiet blanket of blessing on my home and I recognize this. What this means is that Marty and I haven't been in a bad way with each other. He has been nicer. However, unfortunately, I don't always respond accordingly because I have gotten harder. So I have to pray to be filled with the Spirit at these times so I can respond with LOVE. I know that it is LOVE that separates us from non followers and that means all kinds of love. To all. At all times. No matter what. Just do it. Even if it is the hardest thing you can muster. Just love others. And keep loving. All the time, in all circumstances and do it with the power of God coursing through your veins. Oh, Lord, I pray for that kind of love.
My trip was really nice. Relaxed, visited, watched cable, shopped, travelled to the big city, saw a play at a historical theater, did the sites and flew home. It was fast but good. Now it's time to focus on gifting and wrapping and cleaning, shopping for food and all of this while working full time. Gotta love it.
And speaking of Marty, God has answered another prayer. He has placed a nice quiet blanket of blessing on my home and I recognize this. What this means is that Marty and I haven't been in a bad way with each other. He has been nicer. However, unfortunately, I don't always respond accordingly because I have gotten harder. So I have to pray to be filled with the Spirit at these times so I can respond with LOVE. I know that it is LOVE that separates us from non followers and that means all kinds of love. To all. At all times. No matter what. Just do it. Even if it is the hardest thing you can muster. Just love others. And keep loving. All the time, in all circumstances and do it with the power of God coursing through your veins. Oh, Lord, I pray for that kind of love.
My trip was really nice. Relaxed, visited, watched cable, shopped, travelled to the big city, saw a play at a historical theater, did the sites and flew home. It was fast but good. Now it's time to focus on gifting and wrapping and cleaning, shopping for food and all of this while working full time. Gotta love it.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
trip
Going on a quick 6 day trip to the East Coast to visit my inlaws. I actually like his mother and sister and am planning to get some R and R and spend some time in NYC while I am there. Hate long flights at night but I have survived many before. Work is at peace to help me relax. I have never talked about my work here but then I have tried not to say too many identifying things about myself as I want this to stay quite anonymous and underground so I can remain free. For now. Anyway... gotta run.
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