peace

This has been a hard week. Very overwhelming. Angry, non sensicle husband and daughter who just tests me until I am so exhausted. Sometimes I think my life is not so great but then I remember who I am (I am who God says I am) and it's okay but I don't want it to be so hard. My life with my husband is so challenging. I know God is perfecting me with both of them especially him. He has gotten so hostile and cold. How does a wife deal constantly with a husband who is angry, mean, verbally abusive, legalistic, anxious, insecure and hugely proud? I do envy other couples who just have a loving, calm relationship. I know many couples struggle but I know none do in the ways I do. My friends and family would be astounded if they saw into our house. His own family would be appalled at him. I feel so sorry for my daughter because she just wants him to approve of her, give her attention and laugh with her. That just doesn't happen much. When it does, she works so hard to capitalize on it and then won't lay off and then he gets mad. It could be another hard 7 years if it's anything like it was with daughter number one. Lord, help me is all i can say. And I do say that a lot. I can't ever imagine that Marty will turn to Christ but I know that he can if God wills it. I can't wait till that day which I know will happen because of March 26, 2003. maybe I will tell that story for the first time in the written word. Haven't done that yet.

Anyway, I have been overwhelmed with coping with work and family and details. Today was nice though because I worked outside the office and had some peace. I love peace. I don't like chaos or overstimulation or what my life has become at home. Peace is awesome after I felt my head would explode these last few weeks. All good things are from Christ and I love Him for it. Thank you.

eating the Word instead of the junk

I love to eat and I eat too much. I need to lose 15 pounds. I have lost 3 this month since starting. I have cut my calories back and now am working out again. Tonight I am going to a food talk about portion control. That is something I really need to have beat into me. Portion control. I love big helpings and I really like 2nds of food that I like. I like to crunch, I like candy, cookies, the like. I want to eat more fruit and veggies. I really need to transform this part of who I am.

What I need to do is replace physical food with spiritual food just like Jesus tells the apostles when they were looking for food for him and just like He told the devil when he said Man cannot live on bread alone, he must feast on the Word of God (paraphrase) Matthew 1. The more I feast on Him the less I need to overeat the other stuff. I overeat the other stuff because I am not feasting enough on Him; not relying on Him and not filling myself up with HIM. I pray to do this better, often, daily, always and forever.

speaking God!!!

Beth Moore's Believing God tonight was very inspiring. It was about how we need to inhale or breathe in the Word and then Speak it out loud so that it will strengthen the Holy Spirit in us and help us move mountains! So true. The sword of the spirit is the Word of God. I love the TRUTH!! I don't speak it much at all sadly, because I am fearful of everyone I will offend and worry too much about what people will think of me and yet that is wrong! I should only worry about what God thinks and the heck with everyone else. Well, true, but I live with a man who won't allow it and I have to honor my husband. What a paradox!! But I will look for ways to speak it more and more even if it's in my car, the shower, alone or whatever. There is power to be had. And my husband is MY MOUNTAIN. If I have the faith of a mustard seed, I can move mountains. My faith will grow if I believe and the more I believe the more my faith will grow and the Spirit will grow in me. Amen to that Lord. I am yours, so please do your will in me. Thank you God.

impatience

One of my hugest (not a word but I do make them up sometimes!!) challenges is my lack of patience in many areas. My worst area is with my daughter. I think when God gave me a daughter, He wanted to build my character and shape me to be a better, stronger and more patient person than I was. My daughter is 'high maintenance'. She is lovely in many ways; intelligent, energetic, happy, funny, has many interests and is quite talented. But she is also hyper, fidgety, loud, attention getting and boisterous. She gets ready slowly, eats slowly and is somewhat irresponsible. Pretty typical for a preteen but still drives me crazy!!! I am not a good spiritual leader for her. I feel very limited in my home due to my husband's dislike and hostile behaviors regarding my faith but that is no excuse. I do talk about God with her and encourage her to believe Him, pray to Him and rely on Him but it's not enough. We don't read devotions or the Bible together. She attends church, volunteers there and is in the youth group which all helps. I want my daughter to be saved one day. I think she will be. She really does believe and I know Jesus is important to her but she is so worldly and it scares me. Anyway, I often can't stand being with her because she's half nuts. Ha I say in jest but a little bit is true. If we give her positive attention she goes nuts...as in give her an inch and she will take a mile. She is an only child and we are older and crabbier. Yes even I am. She craves the attention but she needs so much of it. And yet she is not a needy child. Just wants her parents to love her and each other. She knows we are not happily married. It's really sad. Well this is a good spot to stop as the privacy ended.

prayer

I was without my laptop for 3 full days and I really hated it but as with many things, I completely spiritualized it feeling that sometimes we lose things that we might place before God who should be first at all times. I know I get my idols and need to keep God on top so it was actually good for me I am sure. Keeping my eyes on Christ is the key to MY LIFE. I pray for His will and I know what His will is so I must follow it. It takes prayer and I know I don't pray enough. I think I am a bad pray-er. I get so distracted with it and have horrible attention span in worshipping and praying. I don't like that about myself. Something else to pray about! There is no end to the prayers. There's the gratitude prayers, the repenting prayers, prayers for self, for family, for friends' needs; for those who aren't saved, for local issues, national issues and world issues and all the categories. I just can't pray enough. We are to pray without ceasing. I am doing better remembering little moments of prayer throughout the day. So important.


I am in a bible study called Believing God by Beth Moore and have really enjoyed its message and the homework I am doing. It is so essential to do bible studies, have fellowship and listen to sermons in addition to reading the Word as you walk the Christian walk. You can't really grow much without constant reinforcement. I crave it and love it. I thank Jesus for what He allows me to do and for his provision and guidance in all areas to do with him and my walk.

rushed

I don't like that my life is so rushed. Even now I have to hurry. There's always a reason or something else that needs to be done. Not just home but at work too. So much multitasking, putting out fires and and somewhat crisis driven due to the work that we do. It's enough to make my brain want to explode. Anyway, I want to spend quality time writing my brain out here. I really feel the need to put all my stuff in my head down here. For myself of course. It is so freeing to write opening and not have an audience to "show off" to. I am "on" all day and I need this space just for me. But I am going to read the bible for awhile, fight with Hannah to get her to bed, prepare for Marty to get home and get my daughter to bed. I'm off but hopefully will be on again soon.

nourishment

This weekend i went on my church's women's retreat. Have gone every year now for last 5 years. it is one time when I can be around like minded women. We worshipped and prayed and shared insights and stories. Always good for the soul. And then I have to come back to my real world but I am better than before in that I can cope. I can truly deal with the fire the Lord has me in. I can rely on Him and trust Him to comfort me and guide me.

My marriage is a wilderness. Often if not all the time, I am lost in it. It is cold, scary and dark. My husband, Marty, is unhappy, depressed, angry and anxious. He is filled with pride and does not welcome Christ into his life at all. It's like he would rather stand in a dark room complaining that it's dark rather than flick the switch because he doesn't like the switch. He doesn't believe that all he has to do is reach out and ask for Christ and there will be light. He is not ready to surrender his control. So he stays in the dark. Where he really has no control at all. People in the dark are funny that way. They think they will give up freedom if they give their lives to Jesus. When in fact it's the opposite.

I am so grateful to have God and to be growing in faith and belief. My life would be miserable without it. But having that faith and knowing I can rely on Him and rest in Him just provides me with joy, inner peace, comfort and a feeling of compassion and warmth toward others. How is this bad or wrong? The world is really screwed up.

Anyway, I am nourished in Christ. I was nourished this weekend. I pray for continued closeness to Him. I pray for my marriage and for Marty. Though the love is mostly lost, I do care about him. But it's hard sometimes to feel the compassion for someone who portrays himself as logical and knowledgable who insists on living in the dark and swearing at the world for all his problems. Ah, well, that is the sin nature or part of it.

Thank you Jesus for the nourishment. Give me strength in this wilderness. Give me hope and help me be loving, gentle, compassionate and shine your glory through me so Marty can see the light. Your light as only you can shine. I can't shine at all but I know you can use me to show your shine. Please use me Lord. I love you.

short on time

As usual, I am always short on time. I wish I had endless amounts of time to play with the computer, design a blog that glorifies God and to read my head off. But life gets in the way of all that. Just located a couple blogs that look interesting but one has stopped. It is the one about Kenya and doing work in a Rafiki Village which I am interested in. I am slowly beginning my research on whether to go to Ghana, Kenya, Tanzania or Uganda for my next trip. I relish the idea and need to pray a lot about it. I really want the Lord to guide me and tell me what to do if anything.

something new

So all day today it was exciting to think I started a secret blog. I even happened to do a group today on journaling. That's all this is. Anyway, I can't spend too much time on here for the very reason I am doing this. My husband is downstairs on his computer and well it is inhibiting to do much of anything I love with him around. Including journaling or relaxing on my laptop.

As I said yesterday, I am doing this blog/journal as a way to express myself, write my thoughts down, store some great quotes and verses and to be exactly who I am without worrying about what others think. I pray this stays just with me. If I die tomorrow no one will know this is here and it is safe. If this happens to get discovered no one will know who I am. Nobody I know will find it. Ha, and i don't even really have any big secrets!!

So I thought of the name quickly. I could have put some thought into it but I didn't much. I wrote purposejournal because it is a journal of my purpose. God has a purpose for me. Period, that simple. I want to explore that purpose. Pray about it. Learn to be in His will. There is no safer, better place than to be in His will. This I am learning.

I love God with all my heart but I don't think I always do it well. I let too many things distract me from Him. I want to dedicate myself to Him far better than I have and forever. I want to serve Him which is my purpose. I want to glorify Him which is another purpose. That is all we are all here for. This blog/journal is for Him. And to help me get to be myself freely.

The reason I say that and the reason I have to have a secret journal is because I am married to a person who does not have a relationship with Christ and is increasingly hostile toward faith. Thus I have to inhibit who I am to try and find peace at home. I can't be myself even with our mutual friends or I will embarrass him. So I submit to Him as my husband but at cost to being who I am. It's not a pretty place to be. More on that later.

no title

This is it, my first attempt at a blog and I can say what i want because no one will read this and no one will care. I could easily do this on Word on my laptop but there is something liberating and releasing about doing it this way. I will choose who if anyone will ever read this knowing the author. I realize it could be stumbled upon but there are millions of blogs and it's overwhelming. Anyway, this journal is for me to explore how deep it can all go. To say, think and write what i want without any of the fears or worries we have about doing that. Complete lack of inhibition, stream writing, who cares writing, say whatever writing!!

"purposeJournal" refers to exploring my purpose on this earth according to God; what I was created for and how He will use me if I obey Him and seek out his will. This journal will mostly be a reflection of this heart process and a cumulative collection of thoughts on my relationship with my Redeemer and Savior.