goodbye year

Hard to believe it is about to be "twenty-ten" in less than 3 hours. What a year. So much and yet nothing much at all. Actually very typical in all respects. Always look forward to the next year and always hope I do better in all things. I can only pray that I become more spiritually mature and grow as a wife and mother as well as a worker and friend. Goodbye 2009 see you next year.

overcome

Twice on Sunday (yesterday) I was overcome with emotion and cried in public. Both times I had to confine it as much as possible so as to not be noticed but both times I just wanted to lie on the floor and bawl like a baby.

The first time was at 10:45 in the morning. My daughter and I were at church. Or rather I was at church, and she went to work in the nursery. We argued before church. She was rude to me. I was frustrated with the big kids and how they still sit back and wait to be waited on. How not one of them has offered to help much, they get up when they feel and they have no sense of trying to make us happy or adapt to our schedule in any way. (referring to gathering we hosted for them yet they did nothing to help us as we got the house ready, and put the food out and they didn't show their faces util 4 pm). Marty was not happy in the morning and made getting ready for church feel like a dark time. So at church after my daughter leaves me alone at a very vulnerable moment, I begin to cry. The music is playing and people are sitting down and I am hoping no one notices me with my tear stained face. The first song we sing after we stand God seems to be speaking very gently and sweetly to me. Poor little stupid me. The lyrics said to lean on Him, rely on Him and that He will always be there no matter what our trial is. I was in awe. Thank you God. I cried more. Then right at that moment, a young woman whom I have recently met and am mentoring comes and sits down next to me with her husband and infant. It really made me happy. God knew I cared for her and hadn't seen her and then there she was. She sat down and it really brought some peace to me. I prayed. Then I held the baby at the end and that is always so therapeutic!! God also put another person next to me. A woman I know who was very sad because it was her anniversary and her husband had left her after 31 years of marriage this year. That was God too, reminding me that I can be a baby or I can turn and comfort someone else which really is the only cure for self pity.

Lastly, I cried today when I took my daughters to see a "feel good" movie which was a true story about a rags to riches, poor kid turn to successful football player story. I cried during much of it and to tell you the truth the part that makes me really emotional but I hang on to the control is that a part of me so badly wants to do for someone what was done for that kid. But then I feel so trapped that I don't have that kind of spousal support. I envy couples who are on the same page and don't deal with the asinine issues that we do. The anxiety generated head exploding fighting and resentment that Marty and I have with each other. (His anxiety, my head exploding). But anyway, I was so glad to see someone else do it.

Nothing is too big for God. Nothing. My kids, my problems, my family's lack of salvation and lack of concern for Him and Who He is. And what He does. God is so awesome and they are so blind.

When I got home I began progressing with my plans to take both daughters shopping for a specific reason one of them needed to go and then we were off to a movie. The older girl, my step daughter, I am particulary often angry at was about to come upstairs and then I was filled with a genuine desire to hug and kiss her and tell her I love her. That was God. It sure wasn't me. It was Him. He is so grand. She said I love you too. Thanks, God.

lazy ways

One of my sins in life is that I do have a lazy nature. I am sitting here with a laptop while my family is playing a very confusing game and I don't like learning games (out of laziness?) so I choose to do the easy thing. I should be wrapping gifts, working on Christmas cards or any number of things and I am lazy. I hate cleaning, doing chores, etc. Don't like new duties at work either. But often once I do these things I am happy and can get into it. I just love relaxing and reading and looking things up and thinking about goals and what my ambitions are. I do believe I am a hard worker and expend a lot of energy in my marriage and raising kids so I am not saying I am a true slacker or even slothful. But it is nice at times. A year ago I worked from home which meant no need to dress, shower or drive to work. Loved it with all my heart.

Spiritually I am much like I am in the other parts of my life. I recognize this and am not blind to it. One of my prayers is that I dig further into my spiritual life with God and in so doing become more like Him (His Son). I really pray to be transformed and for the Spirit to lead my lazy self into a more spiritually inclined lifestyle. And as the song says that is on right now, (O Holy Night) "For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn. Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!"
and therein lies the rub. That is what needs to happen. Falling on my knees. More and often.

not doing enough

I have this desire to do more for Christmas. More, meaning different. But I feel trapped in what I am supposed to do, what I feel like I have to do and what we have always done. And with work and other routine I don't feel like I can do more or different. It would take time away from home. So I often get that feeling that I am not free. I must do what others expect of me. What I want to do is go find a purpose or some meaning in some other activity. The cliche, doing something for others. I always seem to have good intentions but then don't do it. But I do the little stuff. I try to be generous and do favors for others. I just wish I could do bigger things but I know the little things count too.

I called this journal purposejournal because I am searching for what God has in mind for me. He is preparing me for something and I thrill at the thought of it. I always ask what is the purpose of this or that in the big, supernatural, God inspired sense. He is always in control and I feel so secure in that. Ha, thus I don't get all warped over politics and the like. And speaking of God I need to go read the bible. Weak area for me often in doing it. I love His Word but don't always read it. Off I go now to do that.

getting closer

Christmas is getting closer and I can feel that pressure and need to do certain things that we get caught up in. Everything in me is screaming not to do any of it. But with adult children coming home and one of them bringing someone we have to do all of it. And my younger child expects it. I am already on the bandwagon to go to Hawaii next year and skip all of it. We won't "owe" the big kids a Christmas at home now that they will both be out of college by next year. At least Marty agrees with me on not wanting to do it "all".

And speaking of Marty, God has answered another prayer. He has placed a nice quiet blanket of blessing on my home and I recognize this. What this means is that Marty and I haven't been in a bad way with each other. He has been nicer. However, unfortunately, I don't always respond accordingly because I have gotten harder. So I have to pray to be filled with the Spirit at these times so I can respond with LOVE. I know that it is LOVE that separates us from non followers and that means all kinds of love. To all. At all times. No matter what. Just do it. Even if it is the hardest thing you can muster. Just love others. And keep loving. All the time, in all circumstances and do it with the power of God coursing through your veins. Oh, Lord, I pray for that kind of love.

My trip was really nice. Relaxed, visited, watched cable, shopped, travelled to the big city, saw a play at a historical theater, did the sites and flew home. It was fast but good. Now it's time to focus on gifting and wrapping and cleaning, shopping for food and all of this while working full time. Gotta love it.

trip

Going on a quick 6 day trip to the East Coast to visit my inlaws. I actually like his mother and sister and am planning to get some R and R and spend some time in NYC while I am there. Hate long flights at night but I have survived many before. Work is at peace to help me relax. I have never talked about my work here but then I have tried not to say too many identifying things about myself as I want this to stay quite anonymous and underground so I can remain free. For now. Anyway... gotta run.

as good as it gets

It's after TG and we went a lodge and stayed in a cabin. Someone asked if we had a good time and I said the only true answer I could: as good as it gets. By that I mean that it's never fully a good time where my husband is concerned though he does try. And not that I don't try or my daughter to have our own good time because we can't blame everything bad on him. It's easier to have a good time with him away from our home than it is at home. But still, it is a challenge anyway. He is not a happy man so therefore it is hard to have fun or feel relaxed around people who fight their depression, anxiety and other demons. And on top of that he is in denial he has these issues. It's all one big snow ball. But I am glad I had the idea and we went. It's better than being home where we argue more and it's better than faking things with other people. Much rather be with strangers. We did relax, read, played scrabble,sled and I snowshoed. It was white and pretty. I wanted us to share 3 specific things we are thankful for each other but he didn't want to do that. Then I was discouraged and forgot to push it when we were in the room. Sometimes it gets so lonely inside my family. It breaks my heart to see my daughter work so hard to get her dad's attention and see him be such a butt head about it all the time. Being that he is a perfectionist not I nor her can ever please him enough. After so many years, you quit trying and I remember his older daughter saying that. She has been so damaged by his lack of appreciation for anything. Nothing is good enough but our little TG adventure was as good as it gets. It could have been worse but it was okay. I pray God has more for us some day.

What I am grateful for: God in my life, being saved, my husband, daughter, step kids, having a home, car, job/income, friends, church, mother, extended family, excellent health, humor, organization, goals, hopes, dreams, insight, love, compassion, understanding, wisdom, freedom and ability to use all of these things to benefit others as I can. I pray that God's purpose in my life contintues to be revealed and that I indeed make a difference to others in ways that He shows me each day. I pray that first and foremost, next to Him, that my focus is on my marriage and what I can do to make it glorify the One that can heal it.

thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving day. We are not doing anything traditional. In fact we are going to do something very uncharacteristic for us. We are going to a lodge/cabin to play in the snow, get out of town, eat served food in a restaurant and just spend hopefully a nice time together. Will be tough because we aren't a typically cozy threesome though I know my daughter will love it and we will put out the extra effort. What I mean is the tension in our marriage is palpable and Marty's anxiety and general unhappiness weighs us all down. I'm sure I'm not the best or the easiest to get along with in all of this but it is my hope tomorrow that we can transcend that with God's mercy and intervention. We really need to spend this time and I pray it is really a good time. We will only be gone for 24 hours and I am so happy to have the next 4 days off. I want to work on my bible study, clean out my office, read and just relax. Here's to peace, calmness and family. I will do another entry listing the things I am grateful for.

surprise from God

When I am not writing in this journal I think of all sorts of things I want to remember to write about and then invariably when I have time to write all that changes. Like last week I was having a really hard time in this marital wilderness I am in and I really expressed it to God as I drove. I said I didn't know how much longer I could take it, my life like this. His insane way of communicating or not communicating, the fighting about dumb things, his victimness and stupid logic, etc. That is what I was going to write about. The pain of it all.

And then the weekend came and a completely out of the blue (well not really because it was God's response either to my prayer or He had it planned all the time) my husband decided he would go to a function at my church. I have been there over 5 years and he has never been inside. It was awesome that he agreed to go. I didn't even invite him but my daughter did and I think he went for her but either way it doesn't matter. He went. He met my friends, saw the church from the inside (it's a gym) and heard the gospet message. He took communion. He was respectful and didn't criticize when it was all over. There was an air of peace about him. It was God, all God all the way. It wasn't my husband. He once told me he would never set foot my church, ever. He once said he could never be close to me since I believed in the stories of the bible and they aren't "true" just stories.

Anway, it happened and who knows except for God what will happen if anything next. I am so grateful. It's something, it's more than I thought would be possible a couple days ago. My friends loved it. They prayed. They cheered for me. They all really cared. Marty could see what a great group of people they were. Maybe he will come with me just so he doesn't have to sit at his church all by himself so lonely. The atmosphere of my church is so much more to his liking anyway. Less formal. So only God knows but I treasure what He gave me in that one evening.

mentors

In addition to friends I have many mentors.I believe in mentoring very much. Used to work in a mentoring agency and taught women how to be mentors and coached the relationships. Did that for years and completely understand the power of mentoring in a person's life. Everyone should have mentors in the different seasons of their lives. When I first became a personal relationship with Jesus Christian I had a mentor at my job that now I realize (and have) that God put right there in my path. Right at such a crucial time in my spiritual development, B befriended me and took me under her wing. She talked to me about Jesus and the faith and invited me to church. We read books together and she explained so much. She was a great source of information, support and encouragement. And from there with the help of the Holy Spirit who was residing in my heart, I began to learn and take wing myself as I not only stepped out of her church (too big and too far) I also had the courage to once and for all step completely out of the Catholic church. This would be August 2004. I met B sometime in 2001. It was a 3 year journey just getting out and into where I am now. At that point my life and B's had drifted apart. We still know each other but I truly believe that God had a purpose for her and we no longer need to be friends or always present in each other's lives. I hope I was able to give something of myself to her that meant something. Anyway, back to mentoring. Once I got to my church, I met many mature Christian women whose words I hung on so I could learn their testimonies and see how they demonstrated the fruit of their lives. They were younger, older and wiser than I. I prayed for good friends I have been ravished. V is my current official "mentor" through the mentoring program. Others have suggested I become a mentor but I don't have the courage. Yet God can find things for us to do regardless. He and I both know I am not even close to being ready to mentor anyone who has an unbelieving husband but someone came a long who is a relatively new step parent who asked for a mentor and I was asked! I was so excited and said yes. That is an area I feel confident about. Anyway, she just had a baby and we haven't seen much of each other but I have high hopes I can can help her as she learns to balance her child with her step child. I have had to do that. So I pray, Lord, that you infuse me with a mentoring spirit and help me to be a great support to her as others have been to me.

friends

I have always had friends wherever I was. I have not really ever lacked for any except when I move somewhere and you have to leave behind the ones you have and make new ones. I usually don't have trouble making friends. I have many friends from throughout my life and great memories of many sociable and intimate times. When I moved to Alaska they came more slowly but that was due to the settings I was in or chose not to be in (choosing to stay home instead of getting out!) At my church when I was Catholic I really did not have friends but I knew lots of people and was involved. But no "friends." I had some friends around town from other sources and did things with people at work and others, but when I left the Catholic church and moved into my new church I prayed to God that I would be able to make some really good friends. Then I told Him, that it was okay. That He was enough for all my needs and that if it was His will I would make friends and I would just wait to see who He wanted me to be friends with. Well, I have been at my church now for 5 years and He has completely lavished me with friends. I have really good friends and more than I have time to see. Which is sad but my husband isn't real hip on meeting my "Christian" friends though he will if I want him to. Anyway, the purpose of this entry is to say that when you leave things in God's hands He will bless the heck out of you!! And he has. I look back over my life and He has just blessed me so much with so many friends. Some of my long-ago friends I don't see or hear from anymore and vice versa but I have the wonderful memories of our times together. And it's okay. His providing me with the friends I have at church now has comforted me so much through my marital wilderness. And I don't burden them with all that much but I can if I want to. And they pray for me and I pray for them. My non Christian friends and I don't talk about faith and this is a big hole for me in those relationships. I know I should be sharing about Christ but I don't. I still feel guarded since I know Marty would disapprove and because they might say something to him so I just don't. And also, it's because I am chicken. Now God will be there for me I know but I still worry about things I shouldn't. Truly I don't care if others change toward me if I talked as openly as I would like but I hold it in since I have to be in the closet somewhat. I do share some things at some times. But that is really a whole other topic for another time: witnessing. My good friends keep me grounded and we laugh and share so much. I love my women friends and what we mean to each other. But God is first in my life and without Him I wouldn't have them. He gave them to me as a gift to have while he perfects me in my marriage. And he gave me the gift of hearing about their marriages so I can learn. Thanks for that Jesus. You always know what I need and when I need it. I love you so MUCH!!!

ungodliness

Living a life without God is ungodly. I see people do this all the time. Many of them are "nice" and in many ways wonderful and charitable people. But they don't think about God or feel they need God in their lives. They just have lots of little gods. Money, other people, things, sports, TV, computer, etc...I even have to watch out not to let little gods get in the way of my one true forever God. People who live without God are ignorant and blind and don't care. They are ignorant because they don't know what they don't know and they don't know what they should know. They are blind because they can't see anything that would make them turn to God and the don't recognize the ways God has revealed Himself to them (through His Word and His creation). Just like it says in Amazing Grace, I was blind but now I see. He was blind and finally got his sight. Amen. So did I. It truly brings joy to my existence without which I would be in despair. I will write more about this over time. It's a topic that fascinates me.

blessings

And that should be with a capital B!! Every day I thank GOD for all I have. He has given me so much it is impossible to list. I try really hard never to take stuff for granted. I thank him for my excellent health and because it is so good I don't even pray for my bad lower back (it just hurts to stand or sit for too long) or some of my other issues that really are well controlled and treated. I don't get sick, my family doesn't get sick and we none of us are obese or otherwise compromised. :-) I have blessing coming out my ears. My home, car, job, material wealth. I am lavished with friends and family though not near. My husband despite our issues is responsible, smart, good with his hands, a hard worker, and generally meets the needs he is called to meet. I am blessed with my daughter's brightness, abilities, humor and disposition. I have an awesome job, career, boss and am feeling like I am really making a difference in people's lives sometimes. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you to my friend Jesus for all that is His (and that He lends me!) and for looking out for me and for all that He gives me every single day. He is so wonderful and generous in my life.

calendar

On Jan 1, 2007, I started an electronic calendar of my doings. Prior to that and for years and years, I kept a paper calendar. I have all them buried somewhere. They are important to me and just knowing I have them is comforting. I also have various journals (prior to this one!) I have a nutrition journal, a wedding journal, a pregnancy journal, 2 spiritual journals,(on a 3rd) and I have saved copies of most important letters to members of my family. Well, back to the electronic calendar. I put down everything I did with friends, where I went, events and trips; daughter's stuff and husband's too. Well, the computer that we all share crashed a couple months ago. Through much sweat and effort, we were not able to recover 2 and half years worth of the record. I cried when my husband told me it was no where on the external hard drive we used to back things up. I don't think I told him to make sure to back it up as I don't ever worry about such things and I figured if he was backing up it would do that. So I have had to come to terms with this. Not a huge deal but dates have always been important to me and I enjoy looking back on them to find out when I did certain things. It's a record. But it's gone. Now I don't know if I want to start a new one or just not do them. I should just start over and keep it somewhere safe but I haven't yet. Dumb thing to write about but for some reason I wanted to share that. It's a loss but it's a worldly loss and nothing that impacts who I am, has hurt me or will affect the most important things in my life. So be it.

peace

This has been a hard week. Very overwhelming. Angry, non sensicle husband and daughter who just tests me until I am so exhausted. Sometimes I think my life is not so great but then I remember who I am (I am who God says I am) and it's okay but I don't want it to be so hard. My life with my husband is so challenging. I know God is perfecting me with both of them especially him. He has gotten so hostile and cold. How does a wife deal constantly with a husband who is angry, mean, verbally abusive, legalistic, anxious, insecure and hugely proud? I do envy other couples who just have a loving, calm relationship. I know many couples struggle but I know none do in the ways I do. My friends and family would be astounded if they saw into our house. His own family would be appalled at him. I feel so sorry for my daughter because she just wants him to approve of her, give her attention and laugh with her. That just doesn't happen much. When it does, she works so hard to capitalize on it and then won't lay off and then he gets mad. It could be another hard 7 years if it's anything like it was with daughter number one. Lord, help me is all i can say. And I do say that a lot. I can't ever imagine that Marty will turn to Christ but I know that he can if God wills it. I can't wait till that day which I know will happen because of March 26, 2003. maybe I will tell that story for the first time in the written word. Haven't done that yet.

Anyway, I have been overwhelmed with coping with work and family and details. Today was nice though because I worked outside the office and had some peace. I love peace. I don't like chaos or overstimulation or what my life has become at home. Peace is awesome after I felt my head would explode these last few weeks. All good things are from Christ and I love Him for it. Thank you.

eating the Word instead of the junk

I love to eat and I eat too much. I need to lose 15 pounds. I have lost 3 this month since starting. I have cut my calories back and now am working out again. Tonight I am going to a food talk about portion control. That is something I really need to have beat into me. Portion control. I love big helpings and I really like 2nds of food that I like. I like to crunch, I like candy, cookies, the like. I want to eat more fruit and veggies. I really need to transform this part of who I am.

What I need to do is replace physical food with spiritual food just like Jesus tells the apostles when they were looking for food for him and just like He told the devil when he said Man cannot live on bread alone, he must feast on the Word of God (paraphrase) Matthew 1. The more I feast on Him the less I need to overeat the other stuff. I overeat the other stuff because I am not feasting enough on Him; not relying on Him and not filling myself up with HIM. I pray to do this better, often, daily, always and forever.

speaking God!!!

Beth Moore's Believing God tonight was very inspiring. It was about how we need to inhale or breathe in the Word and then Speak it out loud so that it will strengthen the Holy Spirit in us and help us move mountains! So true. The sword of the spirit is the Word of God. I love the TRUTH!! I don't speak it much at all sadly, because I am fearful of everyone I will offend and worry too much about what people will think of me and yet that is wrong! I should only worry about what God thinks and the heck with everyone else. Well, true, but I live with a man who won't allow it and I have to honor my husband. What a paradox!! But I will look for ways to speak it more and more even if it's in my car, the shower, alone or whatever. There is power to be had. And my husband is MY MOUNTAIN. If I have the faith of a mustard seed, I can move mountains. My faith will grow if I believe and the more I believe the more my faith will grow and the Spirit will grow in me. Amen to that Lord. I am yours, so please do your will in me. Thank you God.

impatience

One of my hugest (not a word but I do make them up sometimes!!) challenges is my lack of patience in many areas. My worst area is with my daughter. I think when God gave me a daughter, He wanted to build my character and shape me to be a better, stronger and more patient person than I was. My daughter is 'high maintenance'. She is lovely in many ways; intelligent, energetic, happy, funny, has many interests and is quite talented. But she is also hyper, fidgety, loud, attention getting and boisterous. She gets ready slowly, eats slowly and is somewhat irresponsible. Pretty typical for a preteen but still drives me crazy!!! I am not a good spiritual leader for her. I feel very limited in my home due to my husband's dislike and hostile behaviors regarding my faith but that is no excuse. I do talk about God with her and encourage her to believe Him, pray to Him and rely on Him but it's not enough. We don't read devotions or the Bible together. She attends church, volunteers there and is in the youth group which all helps. I want my daughter to be saved one day. I think she will be. She really does believe and I know Jesus is important to her but she is so worldly and it scares me. Anyway, I often can't stand being with her because she's half nuts. Ha I say in jest but a little bit is true. If we give her positive attention she goes nuts...as in give her an inch and she will take a mile. She is an only child and we are older and crabbier. Yes even I am. She craves the attention but she needs so much of it. And yet she is not a needy child. Just wants her parents to love her and each other. She knows we are not happily married. It's really sad. Well this is a good spot to stop as the privacy ended.

prayer

I was without my laptop for 3 full days and I really hated it but as with many things, I completely spiritualized it feeling that sometimes we lose things that we might place before God who should be first at all times. I know I get my idols and need to keep God on top so it was actually good for me I am sure. Keeping my eyes on Christ is the key to MY LIFE. I pray for His will and I know what His will is so I must follow it. It takes prayer and I know I don't pray enough. I think I am a bad pray-er. I get so distracted with it and have horrible attention span in worshipping and praying. I don't like that about myself. Something else to pray about! There is no end to the prayers. There's the gratitude prayers, the repenting prayers, prayers for self, for family, for friends' needs; for those who aren't saved, for local issues, national issues and world issues and all the categories. I just can't pray enough. We are to pray without ceasing. I am doing better remembering little moments of prayer throughout the day. So important.


I am in a bible study called Believing God by Beth Moore and have really enjoyed its message and the homework I am doing. It is so essential to do bible studies, have fellowship and listen to sermons in addition to reading the Word as you walk the Christian walk. You can't really grow much without constant reinforcement. I crave it and love it. I thank Jesus for what He allows me to do and for his provision and guidance in all areas to do with him and my walk.

rushed

I don't like that my life is so rushed. Even now I have to hurry. There's always a reason or something else that needs to be done. Not just home but at work too. So much multitasking, putting out fires and and somewhat crisis driven due to the work that we do. It's enough to make my brain want to explode. Anyway, I want to spend quality time writing my brain out here. I really feel the need to put all my stuff in my head down here. For myself of course. It is so freeing to write opening and not have an audience to "show off" to. I am "on" all day and I need this space just for me. But I am going to read the bible for awhile, fight with Hannah to get her to bed, prepare for Marty to get home and get my daughter to bed. I'm off but hopefully will be on again soon.

nourishment

This weekend i went on my church's women's retreat. Have gone every year now for last 5 years. it is one time when I can be around like minded women. We worshipped and prayed and shared insights and stories. Always good for the soul. And then I have to come back to my real world but I am better than before in that I can cope. I can truly deal with the fire the Lord has me in. I can rely on Him and trust Him to comfort me and guide me.

My marriage is a wilderness. Often if not all the time, I am lost in it. It is cold, scary and dark. My husband, Marty, is unhappy, depressed, angry and anxious. He is filled with pride and does not welcome Christ into his life at all. It's like he would rather stand in a dark room complaining that it's dark rather than flick the switch because he doesn't like the switch. He doesn't believe that all he has to do is reach out and ask for Christ and there will be light. He is not ready to surrender his control. So he stays in the dark. Where he really has no control at all. People in the dark are funny that way. They think they will give up freedom if they give their lives to Jesus. When in fact it's the opposite.

I am so grateful to have God and to be growing in faith and belief. My life would be miserable without it. But having that faith and knowing I can rely on Him and rest in Him just provides me with joy, inner peace, comfort and a feeling of compassion and warmth toward others. How is this bad or wrong? The world is really screwed up.

Anyway, I am nourished in Christ. I was nourished this weekend. I pray for continued closeness to Him. I pray for my marriage and for Marty. Though the love is mostly lost, I do care about him. But it's hard sometimes to feel the compassion for someone who portrays himself as logical and knowledgable who insists on living in the dark and swearing at the world for all his problems. Ah, well, that is the sin nature or part of it.

Thank you Jesus for the nourishment. Give me strength in this wilderness. Give me hope and help me be loving, gentle, compassionate and shine your glory through me so Marty can see the light. Your light as only you can shine. I can't shine at all but I know you can use me to show your shine. Please use me Lord. I love you.

short on time

As usual, I am always short on time. I wish I had endless amounts of time to play with the computer, design a blog that glorifies God and to read my head off. But life gets in the way of all that. Just located a couple blogs that look interesting but one has stopped. It is the one about Kenya and doing work in a Rafiki Village which I am interested in. I am slowly beginning my research on whether to go to Ghana, Kenya, Tanzania or Uganda for my next trip. I relish the idea and need to pray a lot about it. I really want the Lord to guide me and tell me what to do if anything.

something new

So all day today it was exciting to think I started a secret blog. I even happened to do a group today on journaling. That's all this is. Anyway, I can't spend too much time on here for the very reason I am doing this. My husband is downstairs on his computer and well it is inhibiting to do much of anything I love with him around. Including journaling or relaxing on my laptop.

As I said yesterday, I am doing this blog/journal as a way to express myself, write my thoughts down, store some great quotes and verses and to be exactly who I am without worrying about what others think. I pray this stays just with me. If I die tomorrow no one will know this is here and it is safe. If this happens to get discovered no one will know who I am. Nobody I know will find it. Ha, and i don't even really have any big secrets!!

So I thought of the name quickly. I could have put some thought into it but I didn't much. I wrote purposejournal because it is a journal of my purpose. God has a purpose for me. Period, that simple. I want to explore that purpose. Pray about it. Learn to be in His will. There is no safer, better place than to be in His will. This I am learning.

I love God with all my heart but I don't think I always do it well. I let too many things distract me from Him. I want to dedicate myself to Him far better than I have and forever. I want to serve Him which is my purpose. I want to glorify Him which is another purpose. That is all we are all here for. This blog/journal is for Him. And to help me get to be myself freely.

The reason I say that and the reason I have to have a secret journal is because I am married to a person who does not have a relationship with Christ and is increasingly hostile toward faith. Thus I have to inhibit who I am to try and find peace at home. I can't be myself even with our mutual friends or I will embarrass him. So I submit to Him as my husband but at cost to being who I am. It's not a pretty place to be. More on that later.

no title

This is it, my first attempt at a blog and I can say what i want because no one will read this and no one will care. I could easily do this on Word on my laptop but there is something liberating and releasing about doing it this way. I will choose who if anyone will ever read this knowing the author. I realize it could be stumbled upon but there are millions of blogs and it's overwhelming. Anyway, this journal is for me to explore how deep it can all go. To say, think and write what i want without any of the fears or worries we have about doing that. Complete lack of inhibition, stream writing, who cares writing, say whatever writing!!

"purposeJournal" refers to exploring my purpose on this earth according to God; what I was created for and how He will use me if I obey Him and seek out his will. This journal will mostly be a reflection of this heart process and a cumulative collection of thoughts on my relationship with my Redeemer and Savior.