Still traveling on this journey...

I would be naive to think anything can or would go fast on a spiritual journey of change and growing in God as a "little Christ". I am very far from that and yet I am a "Christian". Sometimes my flesh is stronger and I get so mad at myself. I am often not in the Spirit. Such a common theme in these entries! Thus the journey continues! It can be maddening. I feel so immature both in my flesh and in the Spirit. I know there are two thing required of there being spiritual growth: being in the Word and a rich prayer life. God continues to show me through my Christian reading that this is consistent and of course! What other two things could possibly be in those spots? And so I must continue to pursue God and His Son through those two ultimate activities. Just read in Ravi Zacharias' book Grand Weaver, that many Christians use prayer as a "spiritual spare tire" to be used in an emergency only. I liked that comparison and am guilty of it. I am a lazy pray-er! Also, we cannot think that since God is sovereign that we don't need to pray! I have done that too.

The prayer in my life continues to be around the log in my own eye and my relationship with my husband and daughter. I often believe they are more at fault but I need to focus on my own sin and just pray for them without the sin of partiality-- thinking it's more them and not taking seriously my role. I pray too for the softening soil of their hearts in their faith and desire to know Christ. My failures to my daughter will be the topic another time. I must also pray for others more and for causes.

This last week a man who went to my high school was murdered along with his wife allegedly by his 12 year old son. It has been a horrible thing of course and many of us will pray and talk on a conference call this evening namely to support his 7 kids who need God more than ever. The family is Christian but something went extremely awry. This huge event can have it's ripple effects with other families and I pray for one ripple with my own family too and in the things we say to each other without much kindness or compassion.

That is all for now.

healing

At this time, there is healing I think. I don't know how well I am living in the Spirit but I do believe it's the only way for there to be some changes. Any human effort on my part only serves to mess things up. I am praying and reading the bible and applying it to my life the only way I know how. I collect verses and see how He talks to me in His word.

The LORD has truly answered some prayers as I see little tiny miracles that just surprise me and yet they shouldn't. If I am surprised then my faith is little. I should expect miracles daily in my home. But just someone's healthy reaction or an apology are the miracles I am talking about. A day with no fight, a laugh, a kiss. These little things add up. And I am so grateful for any one of them.

I had surgery this week. Minor yet something that needed fixing. I have 4 days of couch time! Then I have goals to get healthier in my weight and activity. I really want to succeed there. I am not huge but I need to lose about 20 pounds. This has nothing to do with anything but it's another example of my laziness of which I am for sure. It's another area of my life where I need healing and I can only do this through prayer and motivation and trust in He who sustains me in all ways.

Marty and I are co existing now. He has been supportive of my health issue and is being very helpful. He uses it to get attentinon for himself which is one of his issues, using things to get attention. I don't like that but I ignore it and give it to God. I thank God for the positive qualities I do have in Marty.

My step son has been communicating with me and asking questions about things. I have shared some things and he has been supportive and interested in my spiritual life and his dad's. He has shared much with me about his life, which is new and different. I have really appreciated this opportunity. I was able to help him about 10 months ago on a difficult issue and I believe that helped open the door.

So I will read and write and listen to my family and try to let the Spirit of Christ Jesus operate and control my life. I give it to Him. It's not mine anyway.

new year

Hard to believe I have not written here for 4 months! A new year is beginning and who can help but wonder about the future and set new goals? Most of my goals are spiritual and focused on my own behaviors. I also have goals for others' behaviors but I know I can only take care of "the log in my own eye" and I pray that if I change some bad patterns it will serve to inspire others. Or at least influence others. Others being my husband and daughter. I think we have gotten into some real ugly patterns and I have to take responsibility as the one who has Christ and knows the Truth that I also must act above reproach. So I pray for the Holy Spirit to sprinkle the sanctification of grace all through my house this year. But first, one day at a time. I am so blessed in so many ways and I can only pray that the Lord will help my home be healthier as we all struggle in this human condition.

On my anniversary just last week I spent the day trying to figure out how to possibly leave/separate from Marty should he continue his temper and behavior toward our daughter. Fortunately, God always answers me at these times and gives me some peace to settle down. Marty said on the way to dinner that he was happy to be married to me which opened a door to have a little bit of a talk and I was able to say some things and he listened. Not to ruin a good moment but he knew why he said what he said. Anyway, it continues to be so challenging to live with him and I continue to trust that God has His reason for having me here. I am definitely being refined in the fire!

stretching upward

I am in one of those rare moments that I treasure. Sitting with laptop, watching Nature and being completely alone. The only thing marring this scenario is that I have been sick or mostly sick for the last 3 weeks and can't seem to get over it. I have not missed any work or anything else for that matter but I am getting worn out by an incessant cough and a head swirling with a cold. But I so rarely get sick I guess I deserve this! I can ponder my blessings and know that it is temporary and others are sick permanently. I always can tell myself how much I have and I don't like to pity myself or bemoan my situation. I have too much and I simply need to stretch my arms upward to embrace He who gives me everything. And I can appreciate this because there is so much misery in this world and my trials are simply nothing. The other day on my bible station, I heard a blurb about thanking God for our trials. Ha! I have never done that but he was right. Without my trials I sure would get complacent in my faith and my need for Him would weaken. We think we don't need Him when all is well or at least we don't need Him as fervently. And how silly is that. He has us right where He wants us for sure. My biggest trial continues to my marriage and I will continue to grow and stretch as a result of the lessons I am learning daily. I find myself wondering if larger more painful trials are in my future. Though my marriage is one, it's not like an ongoing hurtful experience, there is some maintenance to it and I have many times of joy and satisfaction.

I am reading Holy Ground about a man's transition from Catholicism to evangelical and it's really good. He gives a lot of general Christian theology (i.e Martin Luther) and it's educational and something I can relate too since it's my story too. I am reading Matthew, doing a self study on Romans and continue growing from the insights of John Mac Arthur's Drawing Near devotional. He is so prolific. I am continually blessed by other Christians in my life both those I know and don't know! I can only hope and pray that everything I learn will somehow help me "feed" my husband and daughter as we struggle and thrive in our lives. I would like to think we thrive as a married couple but I know that until Marty turns his life over to God and what His Son did for us, it won't be. For this I pray...