stretching upward

I am in one of those rare moments that I treasure. Sitting with laptop, watching Nature and being completely alone. The only thing marring this scenario is that I have been sick or mostly sick for the last 3 weeks and can't seem to get over it. I have not missed any work or anything else for that matter but I am getting worn out by an incessant cough and a head swirling with a cold. But I so rarely get sick I guess I deserve this! I can ponder my blessings and know that it is temporary and others are sick permanently. I always can tell myself how much I have and I don't like to pity myself or bemoan my situation. I have too much and I simply need to stretch my arms upward to embrace He who gives me everything. And I can appreciate this because there is so much misery in this world and my trials are simply nothing. The other day on my bible station, I heard a blurb about thanking God for our trials. Ha! I have never done that but he was right. Without my trials I sure would get complacent in my faith and my need for Him would weaken. We think we don't need Him when all is well or at least we don't need Him as fervently. And how silly is that. He has us right where He wants us for sure. My biggest trial continues to my marriage and I will continue to grow and stretch as a result of the lessons I am learning daily. I find myself wondering if larger more painful trials are in my future. Though my marriage is one, it's not like an ongoing hurtful experience, there is some maintenance to it and I have many times of joy and satisfaction.

I am reading Holy Ground about a man's transition from Catholicism to evangelical and it's really good. He gives a lot of general Christian theology (i.e Martin Luther) and it's educational and something I can relate too since it's my story too. I am reading Matthew, doing a self study on Romans and continue growing from the insights of John Mac Arthur's Drawing Near devotional. He is so prolific. I am continually blessed by other Christians in my life both those I know and don't know! I can only hope and pray that everything I learn will somehow help me "feed" my husband and daughter as we struggle and thrive in our lives. I would like to think we thrive as a married couple but I know that until Marty turns his life over to God and what His Son did for us, it won't be. For this I pray...

end of summer

Autumn is quickly approaching and I have no idea where summer went. Most of it was cool, cloudy and rainy but we had some nice days and some warm weather. Did some fun things but nothing too standout. Went to the midwest for a conference and to visit some family. Felt good to get away. Met some new friends I email here and there. Always nice to meet and talk to new people but I feel content with not making new friends. Marital wilderness is still just that. Similar to June. He gets mad at me for reading! I do what I need to do and then I read and he doesn't like it. Oh well, I need to be more sensitive I guess and try to see it from his perspective whatever that is. I continue to pray for my unbelieving family and friends and I try to be attentive to others' needs and prayer requests. I find it pretty easy to pray for God's will in my life because I realize and really "get" that if we pray for His will then we will only receive the best things ever including total joy--even through the trials.

My daughter got her cell phone though she has to pretend NOT to have one in front of Marty because he doesn't like it--until he needs to reach her or vice versa and then he will! She is entering a new stage of her schooling and moving into a new school this year and it has been great to see her so excited. She is visiting my family out of state and I really miss her! I really pray for our relationship to grow and not be fraught by frustrations and mother daughter tension as it often is.

Though I may read a lot (including listening to books) I am often so inspired and learn so much. I can't imagine not reading or wanting to read. I agree, it is sometimes all I want to do but I seem to be wired for it. If I need to I will be more careful about the timing of it all. It is just that there are so many limitations it seems like on my activities in my own home, it's gets frustrating. But I want to submit to him and do my best to honor God in my marriage though I know there is much room for improvement!

Lord, always I love you and I want to glorify YOU at all times and I pray for proper submission to my husband and my employer without so much time spent wishing things were different in both places. I just want to be open to YOUR will and DO Your will.

summer

I am not being very faithful to my purpose journal. I am still searching for my purposes but I do believe the Lord finds uses for me. I do believe that I am not as faithful as he is in my own life!! Anyway, the marital wilderness is a bit calmer but I think Marty and I have learned the dance of not fighting. We are both making attempts at being respectful and not getting into it much. The biggest issue we get tense about is when we disagree on issues with our daughter. I jump in like have done with the other kids and try not to but if I think he is being unfair or bordering on emotional abuse or is verbally abusive I will jump in. But really, this is only about once per week...for now. The daughter, right now, wants to do all sorts of "grown up things" and some of them I feel okay with but know I should make her wait and others like getting a cell phone I am okay with but Marty because he is so old fashioned and hates technology, doesn't want her to. We will figure that out soon and soon she will have one.

Summer is here and I am happy. It is warm and pleasant and the atmosphere is summery. Marty is in a better mood especially when he is with friends. I still love it when he is not around some of the time so I can feel that sense of freedom I feel when he isn't in the house. As for the season we have seasonal things we do: BBQs, ours and others', walking and running (Marty and I ran together last night in a 12K run which was fun) and just being outside more. I am reading a lot with my new reader and I love it. I have a devotional on there, 3 bookmarks in the ESV bible and a Christian living book at any one time. Then I am also reading non fiction and fiction stuff. Truly fun. Oh and since daughter is old enough, she has been asked to babysit some kids nearby since they knew she took a class for it and they have a need. So I love that she can earn some money this summer.

I have a friend who is with her son in NYC and he had surgery a few days ago for a reason that is so unfair but with God we have faith it will all turn out for the best. I wish she wasn't there though. It's just not right but hope he recovers well and soon. Another friend lost her mother and another friend has a mother who was just diagnosed with cancer. I thank God for a healthy mom and family and that I am healthy too.

My younger brother and I have been talking more and more about our marriages because he is in a similar situation as I am with a wife who is an unbeliever. The most dangerous kind too: The unbeliever who thinks they are a believer and thinks they don't need as much Jesus as "over believers" have. (Ha I just coined that word. You know what I mean.)

Marty just got home and the tension is back. Time to knock off.

living up to mother's day

This is a tough day for me as a mother, wife, person. I am uncomfortable with any type of honoring etc...though I do like cards and thanks but would rather just keep it at that. I mean sure, it is great to be told not to do anything but how is it great if I feel bad and am getting behind if I don't do my normal chores? Today, I did some chores but I also went on a hike with a friend, spent time reading and on the phone with my step kids and oh, argued with my daughter. How's that for a mother's day. Wish that wouldn't happen. She forgot all about it and gave me a plant they made at Sunday school and Marty washed my car and made dinner and cleaned up. All appreciated for sure but I don't feel like a particularly good mother that is for sure. I mean I can't seem to mentor my daughter in things I want to mentor her in. I feel truly like I lose it when it comes to modeling what an adult should be like. I am probably exaggerating but I let things get to me and despite my faith in the Lord and my trust in Him, I tend to resort to the flesh when I react to hers or Marty's tension building behaviors. I get crabby, quiet and have low frustration and then add to the tension with my own behaviors. I guess I wished we were just closer, friendlier and less tense.

Since Marty has come back we have gotten along fine but the old stuff is all there. For both of us. We are both trying and I see it in him. I just am praying to get beyond my own judgmentalness. In fact I am working hard (hopefully in the strength of the Holy Spirit more than my own)to not complain, criticize, use sarcasm or be defensive. And this includes all those times I feel provoked. I have a long way to go on the part where you don't react to a person's statements, etc. I struggle with the tongue biting and ignoring because then I feel like I am allowing it by not letting him know it bothers me. For instance i have asked him not to say Jesus or Christ when he is angry or frustrated. But he thinks I am ridiculous for asking so he doesn't change. So rather than continue asking him I have shut up. But I don't think it's right. It is disrespectful to Him and to me. But what do I gain by always telling him? And on and on.

I don't want this blog to be a place to complain but sometimes it's what's on my mind. See I can't live up to the day it is. It was a hard day in some ways and I guess it's what's on my mind. And I am the only one who comes here so I can pretty much say what I want and can always erase it if I ever want to.

Thank you Lord for my marriage and daughter anyway, and help me to remove the log from my own eye. I love them and need both of them. I did miss Marty while he was gone and it was for more than what he does for me. I did miss him.

a month without and a month with

Marty has been gone for over a month now and due back in 10 days. It has been an experience in patience and calm. Lots of weather to contend with and all his chores and overall I would say that I not only miss him for the things he does but I just miss him. So IRONIC I know. I miss the good things and don't miss the bad things. But I have felt a sense of freedom and over busy-ness too! Daughter has her needs, mother came to visit, work was so busy and time just has seemed so short. Church has been awesome as has my spiritual reading and continued growth. I have shared my faith with my mother and she has attended my church and read some of my books. She has asked questions and so forth but doesn't see how a person can choose NOT to be Catholic. That's okay, she doesn't have to get that, she just has to get that you must love, believe, accept and embrace Christ and all who HE is. He is the I AM. I love Him for that and thank Him for this opportunity to share with my mom. Am too tired to keep writing and hope not to let so much time pass again.

Ignorance truly is bliss

I love that I am ignorant of the stupidity of politics in this country. I have no desire to get caught up in the muck beyond prayer I suppose. I can only hope that God will just keep His hand over the big messes we get ourselves in politically. And that He rises up righteous leaders who will not cave to sinful, unrighteous ways. This is a prayer worth praying always as well as praying for those who lead who were not stained by the corrupt process of just getting in.

ebooks

I have bought a digital book to start loading books (you can still only read one at at a time) and I really like it. I have been loading books by Christian writers and just want to continue feeding myself in all those areas. Some are about the bible, books of the bible or about the Christian life. There are so many great things written about God and His Son and how to live the Christian life. Truly it's not a How To so much as stories of how others have done it and what their experiences are. Testimony and the answers to others' prayers are always so life filling and make me want to hear more of how Christ has touched others.

In the Bible, I have been reading the book of John and just taking it in small pieces to really savor it. I am just in awe of the words of the Bible and how it all fits together. It is such a miracle. In my digital book, I am reading God Wrote a Book which explains the veracity of the Bible and am reading it to help me when others say dumb things about the bible.

Thank you Lord, for the constant shining of Your light onto us who love and follow you. I am still reading other books too and just can't find enough time! But I am most happy when I am reading about God, His story, His Son and what that means for me. I just have to keep my eyes focused on Him at all times and all else will fall into place.

feeling more hopeful

I went and visited my Pastor and discussed my marital discontent and he really inspired me to see it from a more spiritual perspective and it was very helpful. Presently, Marty is in Europe now for 7 weeks and my daughter and I have some time home to just kind of enjoy it without all the dually aimed darts that are thrown around here. My Pastor helped to understand some things regarding my sin at home and how God is perfecting me through my marriage and its trials. It does help me cope. And then today the sermon at church was all about meekness which is sustained humility and it was very inspiring. He also said that being angry is the opposite of meekness and in being angry with our family or things in general, we open ourselves up to satan's interfering which just makes things worse. Amen to that.

Anyway, overall, I feel good, spring is here and Marty is giving us a much needed break from his brand of daily demeanor. He has kept in touch and that is all good.

7 weeks

In about 24 hours Marty leaves on a 7 week trip he has planned for over 2 years. It's about time. A year ago he had to cancel due to being sick and surgery. It got moved to a year later and now we are here. It has been a long time in coming and he is so one minded about it that it has been hard to talk with him about anything else. He isn't interested in much else unless it's about the house issues or lists he has been preparing for me so I can get along okay without him. I am blessed that he does all that. But I think I am ready for a break in this marriage and the stress that goes with it. Nevertheless, we went out for dinner tonight and have had a nice evening. Despite ALL the problems, I will miss him and he said the same. Just because our marriage is a minefield (or a land fill) doesn't mean we won't miss each other.

It will be good for my daughter and me to live more casually but I will have to stay on top of all his chores and responsibilities. I plan on dedicating certain times to focusing on those and then I won't be so prone to putting things off. My daughter and I continue to have power struggles though I am trying to teach her the ways of a Christian walk and am constantly praying for my own walk. I intend to do devotionals with her once he is gone since it's so hard while he is home. We must make use of our time for sure.

Next week I will be meeting with my Pastor regarding issues with my marriage and my thoughts about coping and being biblical in that coping.

mentally exhausted

I never seem to have time to just sit and write here. I am so tired every night and work lately has just been killing me. Very mentally exhausting given the people I see and the problems I deal with daily. Then I come home and fight with my daughter (she is a little devil most of the time) and deal with my horrible marriage. It's just not fun but were it not for God and His Son with me I don't know what I would do. I love that God is using me at work so much lately. I have asked for it and now I am paying for it! It is a good tired because I get much accomplished and I do help others who are in crisis. Their crises keep my issues in perspective. Maybe that is part of the reason I have these encounters. The people I help are desperate, homeless, addicted and at the end of their life's rope. I wish I could help them all and help them more but I love that I can start them in the right direction. Then I have 9 staff all of whom need something every day. And then I get about 50-60 emails most of which need answering or an action taken. On top of just the duties/tasks I have to do that are always there. Some days I can't even find the time to pee or look out my window or make a personal call. Then at 5 I rush home, take daughter somewhere or make dinner or do laundry or all 3, then work out, then get groceries, makes lunches, fold clothes, read paper, do lap top and fall into bed. All the while dealing with the conflicts in the house and trying to figure out who or what I am neglecting or forgetting. Then I get about a 30 minute time when I can read what I want and this is my most favorite time of the day. Reading is so relaxing to me. Then I sleep well usually and in the morning that whole routine starts which I really am sick of and the day starts again. I will say that I enjoy driving in and driving home. That is pretty relaxing to me too. Driving often is. Oh well, time to hit the sack after I clean up the kitchen. Spring break for the next 10 days and I am taking some time off to entertain the little one. Yay! Hope work can survive without me. :)

bliss

It's not too often I get two days in a row where I can write in this journal. I am on the couch with Pandora playing my favorite music, food in the crock pot and a quiet home. Bliss. It doesn't take much to make me happy and this sure does. I love being home alone almost as much as I love anything. It is work to be around my family just as I assume it is for them to be around me too. It's just peaceful and I can't savor it enough.

Today I did not go to my bible study. I went to the grocery store instead and got things for a dusty crockpot I just got out. Dinner can be such a pain to me so I need to make it easier. But I digress. I skipped out on my bible study/Sunday school because I just needed to pray which I did before the groceries and afterwards. I went into the music room at church and looked up those verses in 1 Peter and 1 Corinthians that point to being with unbelieving husband and I really needed to focus on them. This is God's will for my life and so I wrote them down and will continue to read them and know them. And I prayed to walk the walk He wants me to in my life to better cope with my situation. I also just didn't want to go because it does get hard being with other women who have godly husbands and godly children. I know I am not supposed to compare myself but I really see how much I am a spiritual infant compared to them and I don't need to feel worse. They would be horrified if they knew what I had going on at my home.

But I also need to be careful not to make this issue an idol. I don't want to spend more time focused on my dilemmas and situation with Marty than it warrants. God comes first, not the problems I pray for. Anyway, walking my walk involves but is not limited to my reactions and responses to Marty when I am so provoked by his actions and statements to me. Jesus did not respond to people like that who said things to him that were outright hateful. I have to have supernatural, spirit filled veins of God's warmth to not respond to Marty in a sarcastic, demeaning or barely disguised disdaining way. I can't profess to love Christ and then be disgusted with my own husband. I must love him no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. It is an act of the will and I would like it be more of an act of the spirit so it is not of my flesh because as I said yesterday that is why I fail.

So I might have skipped Sunday School but I got a lot out of my alone time and may do it again. Any time I have to myself that is quiet is good for me--to pray, to think, to write or to read the Bible. Any time like that is really bliss.

marital wilderness

I call my marriage a marital wilderness because it reminds me of what the Israelites experienced when they wandered for 40 years in what they thought was misery. I am miserable in my marriage and I see no way out except for supernatural means.

I don't want this blog to my gripe spot about my marriage and husband but I do have to express it somewhere. In addition to Marty's anxieties and overfunctioning, he is exceedingly self absorbed and narcissistic. Everything comes down to how it affects him or how things are about him or what things have to do with him. And he is a victim of things that have nothing to do with him. I never knew or realized this until the last couple years but only recently have I put it together. It is so real. His blog (which he promotes)always wanting to know what others say about him or see in him. Needing attention and compliments. Feeling overly threatened if I disagree with or challenge him in any way. And the bragging about how great he really is even though he is highly insecure. The need to be admired and flattered by others. His criticism of others and I mean extreme. I could give endless examples but I won't. I can't bear to really think of these things much. I am often sickened with the realization that he is like this. This extended trip he is taking here soon is all consuming. Nothing else exists or matters. The neglect he generally has for me is worse than ever. It also saddens me because he has no clue, none whatsoever. He certainly does the stuff he needs to do: chores, work, socializing with friends, etc but as far as interaction with me, hard faced, no humor, no compassion and no real concern or care beyond the fact that there would be consequences to him if he ignored me all the way. Once, not too long ago, I asked if he would be happier if we just got a divorce and he said, no it would be too embarrassing for him to go through another one. So we stay together for the image of it. We both know we have nothing loving anymore.

And so I pray but probably not incessantly enough. My marriage needs God like we need water. My marriage is is very bad and filled with so much pain--I can't leave him because it's not God's will. Yet it's not what I really want except for when things are at their worst. I daydream about escapes and solutions out. According to 1 Cor which is paraphrased:if an unbelieving husband is content to live with his believing wife she cannot leave him and in 1 Peter 3: "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior..obedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives..." I have tried in the flesh to be submissive which has its failures so I pray to be divinely or spiritually submissive to please God, to do His will for Him. Not for Marty's. Marty doesn't even notice. Often when I am submissive it's me being passive and not sharing my real thoughts or just caving in to what he wants. I don't even know for sure if that is what submissive is. Kind of but not.

My praying should never cease. I need so much help. I am not always respectful, I say many words out of frustration and I do not have a quiet and gentle spirit (another translation) to win my husband over. I have doubt I have ever impressed him with gentle behavior ever. I am not an "excellent wife" much of the time. Certainly I probably am at times if I were honest but not to where he would stop and say, wow, her faith is really powerful, I want some of that.

Lord, one thing I know for sure is that You are the only One that can help me. Nothing within my own strength will help me in this marriage. I have to believe though that You have me right where You want me and because You are sovereign, I need to trust and live day by day in Your light. Give me strength, God. As always, I love You.

calling His name

I often need to read and hear stories about how prayer is answered. God answers prayer that is prayed in earnest. He answers prayer that is heartfelt and truly reaching out to Him; seeking Him and wanting Him to meet our need. The book I am reading now by Jim Cymbala about his church (His church)shares real stories about how prayer was answered in those situations. His church, for example, grew like a weed because they had a prayer meeting that was only a prayer meeting. And then there are examples of people you would never think could be anything different than what they were and they reached out to God and through their first prayer the spiritual dominoes began to fall. I knew this to be true and have known for years and years but I never stop getting so jazzed by reading it over and over. I love hearing how Christ works in our lives, meeting our need and wanting us to be completely dependent on Him for everything. It is story like these and I read a lot that I know I can rest in Him while I wait for my own prayers to be answered especially about my husband and my marriage. Lord, I pray that I stop interfering in Your plan for me and my marriage. My husband and my marriage are in Your hands and I want to leave both of them there where they will be safe forever.

for His glory...

Truly my life is rather much the same week after week. Working on living in the Spirit which really is a misnomer since you can't work on it but what I mean is I want to rely less on the flesh to get through my days. So much I fight the temptation to blow up and I find that I have to pray to get through everything almost. Especially my marriage which continues to be the largest challenge of my life. I don't know how long I can hang on but hang on I must. I must keep telling God it is for His glory that I hang on and in telling Him I strengthen that thought. Loving my husband is for His glory. Not reacting is for His glory. Not being demanding, defensive, angry, frustrated is for His glory. Loving with compassion and patience is for His glory. And sometimes it makes me feel good too. I must live in the Spirit for His purposes and I must act for Him and His glory only. That is why I am on this earth. Not for me or my comfort. All I do is for His glory. My work, parenting, friendships, prayers, thoughts, actions and leisure. All for His glory. I pray to do things with this in mind and so it will come naturally and not with what I perceive to be human and fleshly effort. I pray for the Spirit to saturate me with His desire to do for His glory. Lord, I love You and want to glorify You in all I do. I am so imperfect and such a sinner in my day to day living. Please, Lord, answer my prayer to do Your will and live in Your Spirit and glorify YOU. Amen.

lavished

When I think of the word lavished as it is used in Ephesians I think of the blessings God has given me but also the friends He has lavished me with. I know I have waxed on about this previously but today my very special friend Sophie came over and we confessed, prayed, cried and really cared for each others' issues. We are both married with kids and challenges. We have different lives and backgrounds but we have Christ in common and I believe with my whole heart that she was a gift to me from God as He is helping me to replace my other friends with godly friends. She is a jewel and I know we will remain friends until we are old and ugly. Ha, I hope we live in the same city forever. Both of us are growing daily in our challenges and today the Lord was with us because He promised that where two or more gather in His name He would be there and He was. I already feel His presence on me right now and I thank him for using her to bring awareness and wisdom to me. She reminds what I know and teaches me what I don't know. Everyone should have a friend like her. I told her about this blog and would let her see it but then if I knew she had access I would feel like I was writing to her and I need continued ability to write completely free from that for now. Besides that she would feel compelled to give feedback and that is not what this is about. Anyway, she and I really talked heart to heart about our struggles without judgment or self consciousness and that is what we need to do if Christ is in the middle. I pray for our continued friendship and our struggles that we face daily. Jesus, You are the Master and You are in Control of all. Please be with us as we travel down this earthly road. Give me eyes that see only you when I am tempted to sin and fall into Satan's tricks. I love You and AMEN!!

top 10 prayers today

1 The horrendous conditions and situation in Haiti. It is not bigger than God so I pray for continued miracles, intervention, and for people to keep coming to help without getting in the way. I pray for the suffering, loneliness, dying, and utter human pain. I pray for selfish and self absorbed people to look and feel the pain that others are feeling. I pray for their discomfort and for anything spiritual they might be experiencing to have some meaning they want to explore. May we all grow from witnessing this.

2 For my husband and my marriage. Marty's anxiety issue is creating so many problems at home. My response doesn't always help. I pray for submission, modeling to my daughter and that Marty will fall on his knees and find happiness in the only True way. Marty is very unhappy, often stressed and continues to question why? Please, Lord, pursue him with no let up. Get him. Use me or not but get him.

3 My young daughter as a result has gotten combative with him. I pray for her to apply what she knows about Jesus to her daily behavior and I pray to be a spiritual leader to her. A positive encourager. I pray for my patience with her and her humility in responding her her parents and living in front of her God.

4 My step children and their partners; my siblings and their spouses who aren't saved and for all my extended family who aren't saved. I pray for miracles in their lives and for Christians to cross their paths. I pray for God in his sovereignty to find them and reel them in on their knees recognizing their need. I also include all my non believing friends who think they don't need any thing related to Christ; they really have no real need or rather don't recognize the spiritual famine they are in.

5 For my friend Bea and her husband who is recovering in the hospital. For their children and that this week things will settle down for them now that they have an aunt at their home caring for them.

6 My spiritual growth. Teach me Lord to want to drift only toward you. Thank you for the discernment I have but help me to use the winnowing fork like you did to separate what is not about you vs what is all about you. Help me with my idols and to give up any notion of taking credit for anything I might do. I pray Lord for humility and wisdom. Remove any desire I have to get attention and cover me in a blanket of modesty, submission, and pierce any pride that puts a barrier between us.

7 Lord, I pray for my church and for all churches that are YOUR church. I pray that the church only speaks Your Truth and that Christians never strive to do other than to live a Christian life that honors you every single day. I pray that everyone is discipled with Your Word and gets the instruction they need from other godly Christ followers. Without instruction, encouragement, reading Your Word we can get complacant and that will be the death of the church. Please Lord bring Christians to their knees daily and help us with Your Great Commission.

8 Jesus, I have always had compassion for people who are lonely or rejected/neglected by others. I pray Lord for you to comfort these individuals and to show them who You are so they can find joy in knowing You. Please place people like this in my path if I can help them. Nudge me if I am contributing to their sorrows. Help me make someone's day.

9 Also Lord, I pray for a strong desire to do Your will. That I might not seek or want anything that is not of Your will or does not glorify You. I recognize I do my own thing a lot but thank you for helping me to see it when I do. I love your nudges, please don't let me ignore you. I want to do Your will because I know You know what is best for me even if I don't understand it at the time.

10 Lastly Lord, I am sorry for my sins. I know I hurt You when I don't submit to you or my husband or have thoughts and actions that go against what you have designed for me to live within as a Christian and follower of Your Son. I thank you for all your blessings in my life daily. Help me to pass them on. Thank you for your mercy and grace. I love you and my prayer is to joyfully serve You as You will.

Amen

friends helping friends

I love helping my friends when I get the opportunity. It's like what I wrote before, I want to be used. And all of us do yet we have a hard time allowing others to do things for us. Anyway, my friend Bea's husband was shot last weekend; he is a cop. He will be okay but got 5 bullets and need a couple surgeries. They have 4 kids. I spent a day trying to figure out what hospital he was in so I could find Bea. I really just wanted to offer her support while she is dealing with this sudden change to her life's agenda. I mean it is huge. So I found her yesterday and we talked and I brought her food and helped her plan some things for the week. But it was chaotic. I will help her more toward the end of the week and on the weekend. And I can pray for her.

New topic, things are stressful at home with my step daughter still here from the holidays. She is leaving soon and it's time for her to go. I wish we were close but we have nothing in common at all. I don't even know who she is. She is not someone I would choose as a friend just knowing what I know and who I have observed. It's something Marty and I do agree on. He is grieving "losing" her because she is nothing like she used to be when she was little or who we thought she would become. No details but suffice it to say that it is sad and I wish I didn't have envy for others who really love and enjoy their young adult daughters.

being used

I think God has used me. And I love the very idea!! Being used is a purpose and I want to have purpose. I love how He is sovereign and makes things work out so we can help each other and be useful to each other for the purpose of glorifying Him. Case in point, I have a very sweet and good friend at church whom I will call Caryn. Caryn called me in tears the other night asking for advice and support regarding a pretty serious situation with her 29 year old son and his family. His situation is about what I do for a living and she didn't know who else to call. Well turns out he decided to take up matters as to the solving of his problem with me professionally and the family came to see me at work so I could get them the help they need and some counseling too. I do believe that God's hand was in that and I love that these people came to me for help and I was able to provide the beginning of that help. All of the results will be in God's hands but if I can be used as a tool for them to start the road to healing then I am forever grateful to have that opportunity. I also had lunch with another friend, Dana who brought a co worker who just started attending my church. Dana wanted us to meet so that her friend, Cindy, would get to know someone from the church. Turns out Cindy has a husband who doesn't share her faith and beliefs either. Another instance where I can be used to serve a purpose in someone else's life. Maybe her just having a contact will encourage her to keep coming and making more friends. I was able to make suggestions and encourage her to get involved. It was great. Now if I could only get Dana to visit my church--she is Catholic but fortunately I believe she is a saved one.

Keep using me God for your purposes. Please put people and situations in my path that I can help, influence, love or otherwise through whom I can bring glory to You.

self absorption

I have been absorbed with the concept of self aborption. The opposite of that is 'consideration for' or 'doing for others' or being 'other focused'. Off of ourselves. awareness of others and other things. maturity. insight. reaching out and ultimately glorifying God with our arms outstretched. To HIM. Keeping eyes on Christ. That's what I strive for and when I see the ugly characteristic of self absorption in others it is a reminder to avoid it at all costs. It is so ugly and embarrassing to see others who are. And then I examine myself. How am I self absorbed? Do I bring attention to myself and if so How? Always good questions. I try to catch myself or ask myself what is my motive for doing or saying something specific? To get attention? Yuck. I have been guilty of that. I cringe now if I catch myself. That is the Spirit in me and thank You God for that awareness. I would rather cringe at myself than be oblivious with my own need to get attention.

I know some people close to me who are really into themselves and it pains me. It hurts and it's scares me that they won't improve if they don't get Christ in their lives to take the focus off. So many Americans are this way. Narcissism is so bad and it will destroy the fabric of relational life. Who wants to be friends or invest in people who are this way? Prayer is the only answer for these difficult things. I have been praying for them.

The only cure to loneliness, depression, self pity or anything like those is to reach out to others and do for others. The self absorbed people I know only reach out if they think they are being watched! What a contradiction!! Otherwise they have no desire to help others and reach out to them. They are too busy thinking of themselves or aiming the mirror or camera at themselves and admiring themselves. Narcissism is the need to be admired, not the need to be liked. It is healthier to want to be liked.

Jesus, please forgive me for my own level of self absorption. Please remove any desire I have that removes any glory from You onto me. Without You, I am nothing. I want to glorify You in all my actions. No glory for self, only You. Make me aware when I look for attention or admiration. I love You. Eyes on You. Not on me.

reading

Reading is my passion. I could never be bored if there is something to read. Right now I am reading about 7 books at once (plus the paper, things online, etc) and have a list of other books to read. Shopping at Title Wave and collecting the books I want to read is a favorite pasttime. I love it. I read equal parts Christian inspiration/God/Faith books and travel/fiction/other books. I also read the bible and devotional books. My reading used to be a huge item of contention at bed time. I guess I can see this but it was THE time I had to read. I hated sacrificing it to be social or sexual when all day long HE was not social or sexual. My thought was why should I be at night if he isn't during the day? Very immature but it was how I felt. Anyway, books and their stories feed me the way drugs or movies feed other people. I like movies but will always choose to read over seeing one. Currently I am reading the life story of Amy Carmichael, a novel in a series set in Mitford, a travel book about the Appalachian Trail (and I have laughed my guts out too), a parenting book, and a couple others. Some I read more than others but they are all by my bed with my bibles and devotions. Often on Mother's Day I will ask for the whole day just to read and to be left alone. It's always what I seem to need to do. The reason for that is that I get to do it very little. Once I get home from work and make dinner and do chores and take care of the child it is pretty much a gone day. Weekends are spent doing more chores, errands, working out and some socializing. Reading is always lowest on the to do list yet highest on the prefer list. And so it goes... Happy reading this new year...