as good as it gets

It's after TG and we went a lodge and stayed in a cabin. Someone asked if we had a good time and I said the only true answer I could: as good as it gets. By that I mean that it's never fully a good time where my husband is concerned though he does try. And not that I don't try or my daughter to have our own good time because we can't blame everything bad on him. It's easier to have a good time with him away from our home than it is at home. But still, it is a challenge anyway. He is not a happy man so therefore it is hard to have fun or feel relaxed around people who fight their depression, anxiety and other demons. And on top of that he is in denial he has these issues. It's all one big snow ball. But I am glad I had the idea and we went. It's better than being home where we argue more and it's better than faking things with other people. Much rather be with strangers. We did relax, read, played scrabble,sled and I snowshoed. It was white and pretty. I wanted us to share 3 specific things we are thankful for each other but he didn't want to do that. Then I was discouraged and forgot to push it when we were in the room. Sometimes it gets so lonely inside my family. It breaks my heart to see my daughter work so hard to get her dad's attention and see him be such a butt head about it all the time. Being that he is a perfectionist not I nor her can ever please him enough. After so many years, you quit trying and I remember his older daughter saying that. She has been so damaged by his lack of appreciation for anything. Nothing is good enough but our little TG adventure was as good as it gets. It could have been worse but it was okay. I pray God has more for us some day.

What I am grateful for: God in my life, being saved, my husband, daughter, step kids, having a home, car, job/income, friends, church, mother, extended family, excellent health, humor, organization, goals, hopes, dreams, insight, love, compassion, understanding, wisdom, freedom and ability to use all of these things to benefit others as I can. I pray that God's purpose in my life contintues to be revealed and that I indeed make a difference to others in ways that He shows me each day. I pray that first and foremost, next to Him, that my focus is on my marriage and what I can do to make it glorify the One that can heal it.

thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving day. We are not doing anything traditional. In fact we are going to do something very uncharacteristic for us. We are going to a lodge/cabin to play in the snow, get out of town, eat served food in a restaurant and just spend hopefully a nice time together. Will be tough because we aren't a typically cozy threesome though I know my daughter will love it and we will put out the extra effort. What I mean is the tension in our marriage is palpable and Marty's anxiety and general unhappiness weighs us all down. I'm sure I'm not the best or the easiest to get along with in all of this but it is my hope tomorrow that we can transcend that with God's mercy and intervention. We really need to spend this time and I pray it is really a good time. We will only be gone for 24 hours and I am so happy to have the next 4 days off. I want to work on my bible study, clean out my office, read and just relax. Here's to peace, calmness and family. I will do another entry listing the things I am grateful for.

surprise from God

When I am not writing in this journal I think of all sorts of things I want to remember to write about and then invariably when I have time to write all that changes. Like last week I was having a really hard time in this marital wilderness I am in and I really expressed it to God as I drove. I said I didn't know how much longer I could take it, my life like this. His insane way of communicating or not communicating, the fighting about dumb things, his victimness and stupid logic, etc. That is what I was going to write about. The pain of it all.

And then the weekend came and a completely out of the blue (well not really because it was God's response either to my prayer or He had it planned all the time) my husband decided he would go to a function at my church. I have been there over 5 years and he has never been inside. It was awesome that he agreed to go. I didn't even invite him but my daughter did and I think he went for her but either way it doesn't matter. He went. He met my friends, saw the church from the inside (it's a gym) and heard the gospet message. He took communion. He was respectful and didn't criticize when it was all over. There was an air of peace about him. It was God, all God all the way. It wasn't my husband. He once told me he would never set foot my church, ever. He once said he could never be close to me since I believed in the stories of the bible and they aren't "true" just stories.

Anway, it happened and who knows except for God what will happen if anything next. I am so grateful. It's something, it's more than I thought would be possible a couple days ago. My friends loved it. They prayed. They cheered for me. They all really cared. Marty could see what a great group of people they were. Maybe he will come with me just so he doesn't have to sit at his church all by himself so lonely. The atmosphere of my church is so much more to his liking anyway. Less formal. So only God knows but I treasure what He gave me in that one evening.

mentors

In addition to friends I have many mentors.I believe in mentoring very much. Used to work in a mentoring agency and taught women how to be mentors and coached the relationships. Did that for years and completely understand the power of mentoring in a person's life. Everyone should have mentors in the different seasons of their lives. When I first became a personal relationship with Jesus Christian I had a mentor at my job that now I realize (and have) that God put right there in my path. Right at such a crucial time in my spiritual development, B befriended me and took me under her wing. She talked to me about Jesus and the faith and invited me to church. We read books together and she explained so much. She was a great source of information, support and encouragement. And from there with the help of the Holy Spirit who was residing in my heart, I began to learn and take wing myself as I not only stepped out of her church (too big and too far) I also had the courage to once and for all step completely out of the Catholic church. This would be August 2004. I met B sometime in 2001. It was a 3 year journey just getting out and into where I am now. At that point my life and B's had drifted apart. We still know each other but I truly believe that God had a purpose for her and we no longer need to be friends or always present in each other's lives. I hope I was able to give something of myself to her that meant something. Anyway, back to mentoring. Once I got to my church, I met many mature Christian women whose words I hung on so I could learn their testimonies and see how they demonstrated the fruit of their lives. They were younger, older and wiser than I. I prayed for good friends I have been ravished. V is my current official "mentor" through the mentoring program. Others have suggested I become a mentor but I don't have the courage. Yet God can find things for us to do regardless. He and I both know I am not even close to being ready to mentor anyone who has an unbelieving husband but someone came a long who is a relatively new step parent who asked for a mentor and I was asked! I was so excited and said yes. That is an area I feel confident about. Anyway, she just had a baby and we haven't seen much of each other but I have high hopes I can can help her as she learns to balance her child with her step child. I have had to do that. So I pray, Lord, that you infuse me with a mentoring spirit and help me to be a great support to her as others have been to me.

friends

I have always had friends wherever I was. I have not really ever lacked for any except when I move somewhere and you have to leave behind the ones you have and make new ones. I usually don't have trouble making friends. I have many friends from throughout my life and great memories of many sociable and intimate times. When I moved to Alaska they came more slowly but that was due to the settings I was in or chose not to be in (choosing to stay home instead of getting out!) At my church when I was Catholic I really did not have friends but I knew lots of people and was involved. But no "friends." I had some friends around town from other sources and did things with people at work and others, but when I left the Catholic church and moved into my new church I prayed to God that I would be able to make some really good friends. Then I told Him, that it was okay. That He was enough for all my needs and that if it was His will I would make friends and I would just wait to see who He wanted me to be friends with. Well, I have been at my church now for 5 years and He has completely lavished me with friends. I have really good friends and more than I have time to see. Which is sad but my husband isn't real hip on meeting my "Christian" friends though he will if I want him to. Anyway, the purpose of this entry is to say that when you leave things in God's hands He will bless the heck out of you!! And he has. I look back over my life and He has just blessed me so much with so many friends. Some of my long-ago friends I don't see or hear from anymore and vice versa but I have the wonderful memories of our times together. And it's okay. His providing me with the friends I have at church now has comforted me so much through my marital wilderness. And I don't burden them with all that much but I can if I want to. And they pray for me and I pray for them. My non Christian friends and I don't talk about faith and this is a big hole for me in those relationships. I know I should be sharing about Christ but I don't. I still feel guarded since I know Marty would disapprove and because they might say something to him so I just don't. And also, it's because I am chicken. Now God will be there for me I know but I still worry about things I shouldn't. Truly I don't care if others change toward me if I talked as openly as I would like but I hold it in since I have to be in the closet somewhat. I do share some things at some times. But that is really a whole other topic for another time: witnessing. My good friends keep me grounded and we laugh and share so much. I love my women friends and what we mean to each other. But God is first in my life and without Him I wouldn't have them. He gave them to me as a gift to have while he perfects me in my marriage. And he gave me the gift of hearing about their marriages so I can learn. Thanks for that Jesus. You always know what I need and when I need it. I love you so MUCH!!!

ungodliness

Living a life without God is ungodly. I see people do this all the time. Many of them are "nice" and in many ways wonderful and charitable people. But they don't think about God or feel they need God in their lives. They just have lots of little gods. Money, other people, things, sports, TV, computer, etc...I even have to watch out not to let little gods get in the way of my one true forever God. People who live without God are ignorant and blind and don't care. They are ignorant because they don't know what they don't know and they don't know what they should know. They are blind because they can't see anything that would make them turn to God and the don't recognize the ways God has revealed Himself to them (through His Word and His creation). Just like it says in Amazing Grace, I was blind but now I see. He was blind and finally got his sight. Amen. So did I. It truly brings joy to my existence without which I would be in despair. I will write more about this over time. It's a topic that fascinates me.

blessings

And that should be with a capital B!! Every day I thank GOD for all I have. He has given me so much it is impossible to list. I try really hard never to take stuff for granted. I thank him for my excellent health and because it is so good I don't even pray for my bad lower back (it just hurts to stand or sit for too long) or some of my other issues that really are well controlled and treated. I don't get sick, my family doesn't get sick and we none of us are obese or otherwise compromised. :-) I have blessing coming out my ears. My home, car, job, material wealth. I am lavished with friends and family though not near. My husband despite our issues is responsible, smart, good with his hands, a hard worker, and generally meets the needs he is called to meet. I am blessed with my daughter's brightness, abilities, humor and disposition. I have an awesome job, career, boss and am feeling like I am really making a difference in people's lives sometimes. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you to my friend Jesus for all that is His (and that He lends me!) and for looking out for me and for all that He gives me every single day. He is so wonderful and generous in my life.

calendar

On Jan 1, 2007, I started an electronic calendar of my doings. Prior to that and for years and years, I kept a paper calendar. I have all them buried somewhere. They are important to me and just knowing I have them is comforting. I also have various journals (prior to this one!) I have a nutrition journal, a wedding journal, a pregnancy journal, 2 spiritual journals,(on a 3rd) and I have saved copies of most important letters to members of my family. Well, back to the electronic calendar. I put down everything I did with friends, where I went, events and trips; daughter's stuff and husband's too. Well, the computer that we all share crashed a couple months ago. Through much sweat and effort, we were not able to recover 2 and half years worth of the record. I cried when my husband told me it was no where on the external hard drive we used to back things up. I don't think I told him to make sure to back it up as I don't ever worry about such things and I figured if he was backing up it would do that. So I have had to come to terms with this. Not a huge deal but dates have always been important to me and I enjoy looking back on them to find out when I did certain things. It's a record. But it's gone. Now I don't know if I want to start a new one or just not do them. I should just start over and keep it somewhere safe but I haven't yet. Dumb thing to write about but for some reason I wanted to share that. It's a loss but it's a worldly loss and nothing that impacts who I am, has hurt me or will affect the most important things in my life. So be it.