overcome

Twice on Sunday (yesterday) I was overcome with emotion and cried in public. Both times I had to confine it as much as possible so as to not be noticed but both times I just wanted to lie on the floor and bawl like a baby.

The first time was at 10:45 in the morning. My daughter and I were at church. Or rather I was at church, and she went to work in the nursery. We argued before church. She was rude to me. I was frustrated with the big kids and how they still sit back and wait to be waited on. How not one of them has offered to help much, they get up when they feel and they have no sense of trying to make us happy or adapt to our schedule in any way. (referring to gathering we hosted for them yet they did nothing to help us as we got the house ready, and put the food out and they didn't show their faces util 4 pm). Marty was not happy in the morning and made getting ready for church feel like a dark time. So at church after my daughter leaves me alone at a very vulnerable moment, I begin to cry. The music is playing and people are sitting down and I am hoping no one notices me with my tear stained face. The first song we sing after we stand God seems to be speaking very gently and sweetly to me. Poor little stupid me. The lyrics said to lean on Him, rely on Him and that He will always be there no matter what our trial is. I was in awe. Thank you God. I cried more. Then right at that moment, a young woman whom I have recently met and am mentoring comes and sits down next to me with her husband and infant. It really made me happy. God knew I cared for her and hadn't seen her and then there she was. She sat down and it really brought some peace to me. I prayed. Then I held the baby at the end and that is always so therapeutic!! God also put another person next to me. A woman I know who was very sad because it was her anniversary and her husband had left her after 31 years of marriage this year. That was God too, reminding me that I can be a baby or I can turn and comfort someone else which really is the only cure for self pity.

Lastly, I cried today when I took my daughters to see a "feel good" movie which was a true story about a rags to riches, poor kid turn to successful football player story. I cried during much of it and to tell you the truth the part that makes me really emotional but I hang on to the control is that a part of me so badly wants to do for someone what was done for that kid. But then I feel so trapped that I don't have that kind of spousal support. I envy couples who are on the same page and don't deal with the asinine issues that we do. The anxiety generated head exploding fighting and resentment that Marty and I have with each other. (His anxiety, my head exploding). But anyway, I was so glad to see someone else do it.

Nothing is too big for God. Nothing. My kids, my problems, my family's lack of salvation and lack of concern for Him and Who He is. And what He does. God is so awesome and they are so blind.

When I got home I began progressing with my plans to take both daughters shopping for a specific reason one of them needed to go and then we were off to a movie. The older girl, my step daughter, I am particulary often angry at was about to come upstairs and then I was filled with a genuine desire to hug and kiss her and tell her I love her. That was God. It sure wasn't me. It was Him. He is so grand. She said I love you too. Thanks, God.