marital wilderness

I call my marriage a marital wilderness because it reminds me of what the Israelites experienced when they wandered for 40 years in what they thought was misery. I am miserable in my marriage and I see no way out except for supernatural means.

I don't want this blog to my gripe spot about my marriage and husband but I do have to express it somewhere. In addition to Marty's anxieties and overfunctioning, he is exceedingly self absorbed and narcissistic. Everything comes down to how it affects him or how things are about him or what things have to do with him. And he is a victim of things that have nothing to do with him. I never knew or realized this until the last couple years but only recently have I put it together. It is so real. His blog (which he promotes)always wanting to know what others say about him or see in him. Needing attention and compliments. Feeling overly threatened if I disagree with or challenge him in any way. And the bragging about how great he really is even though he is highly insecure. The need to be admired and flattered by others. His criticism of others and I mean extreme. I could give endless examples but I won't. I can't bear to really think of these things much. I am often sickened with the realization that he is like this. This extended trip he is taking here soon is all consuming. Nothing else exists or matters. The neglect he generally has for me is worse than ever. It also saddens me because he has no clue, none whatsoever. He certainly does the stuff he needs to do: chores, work, socializing with friends, etc but as far as interaction with me, hard faced, no humor, no compassion and no real concern or care beyond the fact that there would be consequences to him if he ignored me all the way. Once, not too long ago, I asked if he would be happier if we just got a divorce and he said, no it would be too embarrassing for him to go through another one. So we stay together for the image of it. We both know we have nothing loving anymore.

And so I pray but probably not incessantly enough. My marriage needs God like we need water. My marriage is is very bad and filled with so much pain--I can't leave him because it's not God's will. Yet it's not what I really want except for when things are at their worst. I daydream about escapes and solutions out. According to 1 Cor which is paraphrased:if an unbelieving husband is content to live with his believing wife she cannot leave him and in 1 Peter 3: "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior..obedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives..." I have tried in the flesh to be submissive which has its failures so I pray to be divinely or spiritually submissive to please God, to do His will for Him. Not for Marty's. Marty doesn't even notice. Often when I am submissive it's me being passive and not sharing my real thoughts or just caving in to what he wants. I don't even know for sure if that is what submissive is. Kind of but not.

My praying should never cease. I need so much help. I am not always respectful, I say many words out of frustration and I do not have a quiet and gentle spirit (another translation) to win my husband over. I have doubt I have ever impressed him with gentle behavior ever. I am not an "excellent wife" much of the time. Certainly I probably am at times if I were honest but not to where he would stop and say, wow, her faith is really powerful, I want some of that.

Lord, one thing I know for sure is that You are the only One that can help me. Nothing within my own strength will help me in this marriage. I have to believe though that You have me right where You want me and because You are sovereign, I need to trust and live day by day in Your light. Give me strength, God. As always, I love You.