nourishment

This weekend i went on my church's women's retreat. Have gone every year now for last 5 years. it is one time when I can be around like minded women. We worshipped and prayed and shared insights and stories. Always good for the soul. And then I have to come back to my real world but I am better than before in that I can cope. I can truly deal with the fire the Lord has me in. I can rely on Him and trust Him to comfort me and guide me.

My marriage is a wilderness. Often if not all the time, I am lost in it. It is cold, scary and dark. My husband, Marty, is unhappy, depressed, angry and anxious. He is filled with pride and does not welcome Christ into his life at all. It's like he would rather stand in a dark room complaining that it's dark rather than flick the switch because he doesn't like the switch. He doesn't believe that all he has to do is reach out and ask for Christ and there will be light. He is not ready to surrender his control. So he stays in the dark. Where he really has no control at all. People in the dark are funny that way. They think they will give up freedom if they give their lives to Jesus. When in fact it's the opposite.

I am so grateful to have God and to be growing in faith and belief. My life would be miserable without it. But having that faith and knowing I can rely on Him and rest in Him just provides me with joy, inner peace, comfort and a feeling of compassion and warmth toward others. How is this bad or wrong? The world is really screwed up.

Anyway, I am nourished in Christ. I was nourished this weekend. I pray for continued closeness to Him. I pray for my marriage and for Marty. Though the love is mostly lost, I do care about him. But it's hard sometimes to feel the compassion for someone who portrays himself as logical and knowledgable who insists on living in the dark and swearing at the world for all his problems. Ah, well, that is the sin nature or part of it.

Thank you Jesus for the nourishment. Give me strength in this wilderness. Give me hope and help me be loving, gentle, compassionate and shine your glory through me so Marty can see the light. Your light as only you can shine. I can't shine at all but I know you can use me to show your shine. Please use me Lord. I love you.